sympathize

i know what you're going through.
my grandma went through the same thing.
we put her in a "convalescent home" cause her husband couldn't look after her correctly.
i only got to go once.

i regret that.

if the colors were anything but gray, i didn't notice.
everything was ugly.
the walls, the floors, the ceiling tiles, everything.
we saw her room.
scattered pictures of her daughters and a small twin bed.
her imprint was permanent.
her stuffed animal held her spot.

she was on a mobile bed in the living room area.
she was skinny, pale and her skin hung.
we sat next to her while she watched tv.
she stared into it.
her eyes frozen.
her husband fed her.
it was beautiful and tragic.
their marriage, their struggle to leave Cuba, their lives that they sacrificed so that their daughters could have the best.
it was ending here.
in this home.
in this room.
with this spoonful of food.

i never saw my grandpa cry.
until then.
i choked on my tears.
my mom looked away.
my sister, young, understood the pain and was quiet.
i stared.

she taught me how to sing, how to play the piano, how to play hide and seek, how to laugh.
she made me me.
this woman, my grandma, was scarce.
i was looking at the end of life.
and i saw her cry.

she shed one tear.
out of her left eye.
she knew she was at the end
and she knew we were crying.

they put her back in her bed
and she started to sing.
i don't know what song it was
but it will be sang in Heaven.

her voice was shaky and as frail as her bones.
but it was strong and piercing.
it shook me then and makes me cry now.

it was the last thing i heard her say.
she never got to say goodbye.
the Alzheimer's came and she never even knew she lost her memory.

she would forget who we were, who i was.
but i'll never let her leave.
she is in everyone of my songs,
she is in every lyric i sing.
every note i play, every beat i tap.
it is her in me.

Tata, i know you are in Heaven serenading the angels.
Your voice was and still is beautiful.
I know you'd love Sarah.
She is smart and beautiful and artsy.
You and her could paint together.
You'd love her.

I love you Tata.

.rana.

-Lnk-