throwing down the gauntlet

i'm tired.
psychically
and spiritually.

but tomorrow is a new day.

and God prevails.

.breakfast.

-Lnk-

whistling

so i'm home from recording with crud.
i'm tired and it was a long ride back.
but it's cold and my windows are open,
so i can smile.

but what has become so apparent is
the raging river.

i can see God on the other side
and see my sin that separates us.
it will never go away until i die.
i will never be perfect until i pass away.

i see myself as me,
but He sees His Son in me.
and that blows my mind.

tomorrow it should be cold as well.
so that'll be good

and hopefully everyone will be happy too.

.theofficeagain.

-Lnk-

late nite

my body has realized that it is on christmas break
and it will not let me retire before 2.
no matter how hard i try.

they spoke of a star that guided the wisemen home.
why isn't there one when i need it the most.
maybe its' bright and shining in the sky
and i'm too focused on the earth to see the brilliance above.

maybe i need new eyes
these sure feel tired and worn.
i don't think i would find awe in much anymore,
i'm jaded.
that's why i enjoy my work
because kids don't see the world as we do.
its just "the world"
they haven't had science rob them of all the answers.

its unique.
and that is what is slipping away from me.

.sleepy.

-Lnk-

no love

i'm tired of this drive
and waking up so damn early.
arrrghhhhh
just bring the fall already
i want the cool weather.
i want to be at church playing music already
the journey there is way TOO long.

just keep talking dude
but no one is listening.
why is this the right thing to do?

i'll never know.
i have some weird theories but they would just sound ridiculous.

.brainwashing?.

-Lnk-

mw2

got modern warfare 2 tonight.
headed to gamestop and held my number 34.
and the game is worth all the waiting and the receipt exchanges.
its mad intense and going to consume a lot of my time.

but on the more serious side
i am praying about going into the ministry.
using my gift of music in the church as a worship pastor.
so i'm mulling through what that would mean for me,
and trying to keep everything in line.
but it is harsh.

i don't understand everything
and God has been granting me patience
and mercy.
and i am thankful.

but i also am tired.
and i will go to sleep
with unresolved issues
that i can't control
but i'm trying to get it addressed,
but the addressee continues to return my requests.

.alliwanttodoishelp.

-Lnk-

i didn't even know

that this was so tedious.
that time went so quickly.
that i would be affected this much.
that this sucks sooooo much.

goodness, this is just down right ridiculous.
i starting to really hate things.
the drive isn't what i detest
its what happens after i get out of the car.

i don't even want to put it down
but i want to remember how far i've come.

.rabblerabble.

-Lnk-

gorgeousity

what are you dreaming of?
what makes you so comfortable around me?
you are so peaceful as you drift off into sleep.
i'm encompassed by your beauty
and can't explain what you do to me.

but i love it.

i'm putting this down to try and capture this moment
cause forgetting it would be a crime.

.i'llkeepyouwarm.

-Lnk-

school is my cage

i'm back at FIU.
i miss haiti.
there is too much here to distract me.
but i'm making the best of it.

got to watch shawshank last night.
definitely one of my top five movies.
i'm sucking the bandwidth dry hahaha

i have no truck.
sherman is in the shop
but hopefully i'll have him back by today.
i do miss my vehicle.

goodness people here are so into there appearance.

in my first class my teacher wanted me to talk about haiti.
so i did.
was working my way into talking about God and that Jesus being the main reason i went.
but he wouldn't stop talking.....
oh well.
i'm hoping they gathered that when i said i went with my parents church.

well i'm off to drown myself in youtube videos and wait to go eat.

peace

.37927.

-Lnk-

this class

is so stupid.
i've been surfing icanhascheezburger.com
all day.

things have been looking up.
things aren't easier or getting better
but i've been talking to God consistently
and really feel Him moving through my actions.
my truck is crapping out, school is becoming overwhelming,
funds are tight, and i'm not sleeping enough
but God is good.

a verse i read yesterday really helped me.
1 peter 1:3-9
beautifully beautiful
really helped me last night.
i almost lost it at church
felt the tears waiting to come out.
choked them down and got through everything.

i'm looking forward to eating and listening to hank hannegraff's podcast.

had someone talk to me today. out of nowhere
that was nice.

and she is beautiful. so cute last night
and she fell asleep.......hahaha
like she always does.

.bser.

-Lnk-

ncaa and the jacuzzi

this weekend has been awesome.
had some friends over to play tons of cod.
we actually stayed up mad late
till 4:30am, playing
and got purty dang far.
and the house looked like a nerd central
haha

after 4 hours of sleep i woke up
and turned on college gameday.
then it was the gators dominating troy.
which i watched jacuzzi side
thanks to a quite crafty friend.
diversion maneuvers.
it was awesome.

then i took my lovely lady out to the theatre
and saw 9.
great great film.
but i was and am mad tired.
everything starts returning normal tomorrow
but we still have NFL.....yeah!!!!

oh well now to sleep and an early start to tomorrow.
g'night

.streetfighter2.

-Lnk-

tues night

so i got to play at youth tonight
and i realized how much i missed it.
there are some things that are still weird about it.
but overall i enjoyed it.

did my homework and had to get a new library card
and that was a hassle.
i'm glad i'm starting to see things in the light permanence.
michael spoke tonight and he said something i've always heard
but really made sense tonight.

"today is the day for salvation."

there is no "maybe tomorrow, i'll start reading later, i have no time."
its now or never.

"i have a watch but all it says is "Now""

.blooddrive.

-Lnk-

back again

so my second day of class. not too bad.
my second class is canceled so i have an extended break.
did my first homework assignment
i am mr. anti-procrastinator so far.
figured out how to RSS feed.
purty excited about that.
met a cool kid in my first class
and i'm excited to hopefully get to know him
and build a relationship.

friggin a,
i think every year girls wear less and less clothing
and guys wear tighter and tighter jeans.
girls are going to be naked
and guys are are going to be sterile.

i started running again.
ran around 4 miles in 44 minutes.
going to do it again when i get home.
having me cooped up in these classrooms
forces me to get out and run.

not sure when the cafeteria switches to lunch.
i'm hankering for some food.
oh well
laterzz

.pocho.

-Lnk-

first day of fall '09

dang son i haven't been on here in forever.
well the title of the blog is purty much where i'm at.
of course i get called on in my first class
to stand up and read. haha
just my luck, but i did it.
my second class is cake and it's already cancelled for thursday.
got some junk to take care of with this other class.
a lot of things up in the air this semester
got to be kidding me.
just had some lady walk up to me and start talking about my blog title.
it being revelation 11:15
and she asked me if i was a Christian and the conversation ensued.
now i actually have a group to go to
Thursdays at 3:15

i'm excited.
well i have two more classes here and one at pines
now to lunch

-Lnk-

neglected

haven't written anything in awhile.
i'll start with the most devastating,
nala's dead.
she got hit by a car.
for as much as i said she annoyed me,
i really did love her
and the silence she left is deafening.
such is life.

love and loss

just came back from peru
and wish i didn't leave.
so much easier and understandable.
it just was

now off to sleep and hopefully i wake up 5 hours south of here

.machupicchu.

-Lnk-

on the eve of peace

so i'm dyslexic
and don't have to worry about classes for awhile.

i've haven't gotten around to blogging for sometime
as i have found other ways to keep myself entertained.
but i have to express my utter disdain
and heartfelt pain to what i've been checking into
for the past couple days.

one of my friends showed me this man called
jon crowder.
he has no relation to david crowder.

but this guy, along with his followers
(congregation)
believe in being drunk in the spirit.

you can find his videos peppered amongst youtube land.
his worship leader, ben dunn, also has quite a few videos himself.
in said vids ben and his wife huff each other
and the Bible.

oh and this dude leads "worship" with drum sticks.

so........
i've watched as much of these videos as i can stomach,
and honestly it hurts.
i have no idea how people can be so blind
and dumb to the truth.

these men are claiming to be "preaching" from the Bible
when in actuality they are twisting the words to backup their ideology.
and the people in the audience can check their "preachers" because they have the Word
RIGHT IN THEIR LAPS.

these men and others like them are taking scripture way out of context.
they are leading many people astray
and also causing some people to fall away from Christianity all together.

its very sad but we were told this would eventually happen.

it's good to know that this isn't going on unchecked.

there are some people out there
speaking against this movement,
and taking the time to point out it's critical errors.

my boi rios got me a book that deals with this "revival"
and others similar to it.
its just sad to see people using the Word of God
and distorting it to mean whatever they please.

their manipulation of Scripture is just one of the many things that these "prophets" are defacing.
the list is long and saddening,
but when you can take the Bible out of context and get away with it,
you might as well throw the whole thing out the window.

without boundaries,
us dumb sheep run out into pastures that we were never meant to be in.

i just hope anybody reads this and gets as fired up as i am.
our brothers and sisters are being lead astray by false teachers.
they are being taught and ascribing to doctrines
that are completely wrong
and that are spiritually and emotionally dangerous.

i pray that God makes us sensitive to this and other issues
like it,
and that Jesus Christ can work through us and use us
to bring our siblings out of blindness.

*disclaimer* that last statement can come off as self-righteous,
but i hope you know that i'm in no way claiming to be better than anyone.
i just know if i was blind, i'd want someone to fight for my sight.

-Link

but one

the man with a thousand truths to tell
always has (at least) one lie.

as he wandered through the scorching desert
he realized the only friend he has was the wind.
it whipped his arms, carrying sand along with it.
it chapped his lips and made his thirst grow stronger.
but he knew it
and it was familiar.

he traveled from village to village,
telling his stories.
he was believed and taken at his word
without reason he was accepted and adored.

he was not afraid of animal or beast
that slithered or crawled his way.
he simply did not pay them mind.
the rattlesnake would lung and strike him on his calf
and he would not flinch.

he would continue to walk.

before long, message of this nomad reached towns before he did.
towns people did not know what to think of him.
they let him set up in their town squares and speak
and they stood around and listened.

he never said more than he had to
and no one ever questioned his words.
he was what he appeared to be and nothing more.
they say his appearance varied by day.
long, matted hair one evening
and then nearly bald the next.

he was a mystery.

people saw him bleed though.
as he would enter the town
peoples eyes would lock.
after they shook themselves out of the daze
they would catch a glimpse of his snake bitten legs.
they were inflamed and red,
swollen to inhuman proportions.

but no one said a word.

funny thing is,
no one can remember what he said.
he came in,
spoke,
and left.
and no one remembers his words.

they were enamored by his presence
and would have followed him to war if he asked so.

but he did do one thing.

he would gather belongings such as
book, shoes, tools from people
and turn them over to others.
no one realized this at the time,
but soon after he left
the people realized their possession were gone
and that their neighbor had them.

he stole from the workers
and gave to those who begged.

he could have given them jobs.
he could have paid them to water his camel,
to make him new robes.

he made enough money as he walked into the towns.
townspeople literally threw it at his feet as he entered.

but he never gave them the means
just the ends they thought they deserved.

in the days following this man's leave of a town
large structures would appear instantly.
as if the sand were giving birth to buildings.
slowly columns would rise,
leading the way for walls,
and gates,
and a bridge.

these buildings were empty,
the wind could be heard sweeping through them
howling,
as if it were claiming these structures as their homes.

after awhile the people got used to these behemoths
outside of their gate.
they lived their lives and forgot about them.
they didn't see them anymore because that's exactly what the buildings told them to do.
forget and live.

towns caught fire,
not spontaneously,
that is just too far-fetched.

villages were burned down,
families were reduced to ashes
as the behemoths tossed hot oil over huts,
catapulted flaming stones into walls,
and spewed death over thousands.

no one saw it coming
the question is will we?

-Lnk-

its been awhile

got back from haiti this morning.
beautiful.
the people, the scenery,
the richness of God,
the heat, the gnats,
the sweat, the fellowship.

i wasn't to sold on the idea of going at first.
my dad really wanted my sis and i to go at least once.
i had the summer open
and i love to travel.
and i'm so glad i went.

i miss everyone so much
and wish that i had more time
and a better knowledge of creole
to properly communicate the joy
that they have instilled in me.
i saw love and happiness in spite of sheer poverty.
i saw smiles and beautiful teeth from children with bloated,
malnourished stomachs.
i saw a woman who had given up everything,
to move to a foreign country
and be the vessel for God to move.

i saw Acts in motion,
God working,
the Holy Spirit in action
and Jesus Christ being praised.

there are too many things,
experiences,
to put up on here.
i have my journal
and that's where those thoughts will stay.

i will sleep in my bed
knowing that i will be back in haiti.
don't know when,
but i know i will be back.
and i know that God does not need me to work.
He was doing fine their without me
and He is still there now.

God be praised though these hands are wicked,
those this heart is calloused,
those these lips bring bitter waters.

may i step back
and be transparent
so that the light of Christ shines through.

.changeling.

-Lnk-

what?!

okay i'm all for fashion
and i can appreciate eccentric clothing....
but some things just don't fly.
especially when you are going to church.

i don't think short skirts,
low cut dresses,
nut hugger jeans,
skimpy high shorts
or anything along those lines
should be ever worn.
they are just provocative for what reason?
and you are wearing that to go to church?
and when someone asks you in the service
what church you go to,
how will you represent it?

maybe i'm too conservative
but some things just aren't acceptable.
have some decency man.
seriously.

you aren't an object
but you are making yourself out to be

.noi'mnotgoing.

-Lnk-

sickness

so i've been under the weather for the past two days.
and it's no fun.
camp was awesome
and i am glad that i got sick at home
and not at pine lake,
that would've been something awful.

but on to other things.....
for some odd and completely random reason
i have been sucked into the hype that is
"Jon and Kate Plus 8"
and i'm not sure why.
but seeing as they are not on good terms
i feel that i have something to say about this.
so here goes a short, tylenol daytime cold induced rant.

now while no one knows for sure what jon did,
i am in no way justifying his actions.
but.....dude kate
is such a bi...
let me stop before i get out of hand.
she isn't nice.

i've been fortunate to learn and really witness
what roles both men and women have in marriage.
and kate is way to controlling.
now i know people have character traits
and we are all different from each other.
but she is stepping her bounds.

i watched the show before this whole thing went down
and she has always been this way.
if she would give more leniency to jon
i think he wouldn't have gone to that bar and walk out with that lady.

now once again......
i'm not justifying his actions.
kate did not drive him to do this
he still had to make a decision.
but her being a control freak
didn't help.

k i'm done.

going to lay down.
and wait for this medicine kick in

.joel(thewatchmen).

-Lnk-

jehovah

so i went up to boca last night
per the request of crud
to record a song.
i was hesistant at first
as i was mad nervous to play in front of someone
i truly respect.
but it was awesome.

the song we did
sounds so sick
and i can actually say i'm proud of it.
not in the boastful jerk way
but in the God gave me this song way.

so last night was long
and i'm already tired before i've even got to work,
but it was worth it.

.autotunethenews.

-Lnk-

nickel creek

he was an old man
i was a rock at the bottom he was never supposed to view.
but he crashed down
how the winds of change are still true.

i could see in his face the worry of his descent,
i assured him it wasn't too bad besides being bleak.
he tried to talk but water filled his lungs
i said the trick is to live on the water and air never seek.

his veins were visible in his eyes,
his skinned matched the depth of the blue.
no longer would he see the sky
his hands split and legs broke too.

he was dying in front of my eyes
the pressure of living can be harsh.
but i've been here 20 years
and don't plan of being nice now.

his body shivered and quaked
and lungs collapsed, one then two.
i laughed, this happens to all
i said "die and except your truth.

the reason i was already down here
i found the truth
and that is that nothing is true.
only that the ground exists
and you are dead."

as his left hand popped one last time
a white paper fluttered out.
it danced around his seizing body
and its red letters spelled "COME OUT!!!"

it was my loved one's script
she saw me dive to this depth.
she sent him as a messenger
and i let him go.

his eyes looked wide
he mouthed "sorry."
i whispered
"i am."

his body floated back up
and i saw my last chance leaving.
i struggled, wiggled and danced.
i was free.
i pushed as hard as rock could.

i landed on his back.
we floated to the top.
the snakes picked at him as we surfaced
and the sea was as calm as the sand.

there she was,
smiling.
i saw her for the first time in 20
and knew i was wrong.

she picked me up
and his body floated away.
she kissed my hard shell
and covered me in a blanket.

whatever i thought down there didn't matter.
she was here with me.
why would she love me?
why did he die?

he was my saving grace
to bring me to her.

i was a rock at the bottom
and i was saved.
and brought back to my love.

-Lnk-

what am i

what am i doing with such a girl?
honestly God,
who am i?
dude, she laughs at will ferrell.

i couldn't be more satisfied.
God is too good
and who wouldve thought
that He'd answer a prayer so exactly.

i'm simply amazed.
quiet and awestruck.
this week has been nuts at times
but right now i'm chill
and this is too good.

.ithoughtweweresupposedtobepatriotic.

-Lnk-

bank accounts and rosie o' donnell

so tonight was shocking.
the dude at eikon could've been reading off my life script.
he nailed it.
i was reluctant to go to the grille,
but i went and like usual
it was a lot of fun.
good times with good people.

but she wore my hoody
and it covered her hands
and was way too big on her
but she was ever so cute in it.
this is all new
and so exciting.

i have to get shots in the morning.
last time i had shots i think i was 11.
grrrrr.....no fun
and i have to wake up mad early as well.
double gross.

i keep thinking i hear the chat "bleep"
hoping you message me.

you did :)

so yeah tomorrow is my boi's wedding rehearsal.
i'm looking forward to it.
playing music with excellent musicians
is never a bad thing.
its quite glorious
and about the closest i think i'll get to flying.

i'm listening to jaga jazzist
don't know why i ever took them off.
they are so great.
perfect chill music.

lyric to remember

"Jesus died my soul to save" my lips shall still repeat.

beautiful......
oh man think i just got transported
to another world.
jaga jazzist is killing it so good right now.

wish i had someone to share this other headphone with.

.alivingroomhush.

-Lnk-

few things in life so sweet

there are a couple of things in life that make me content,
happy, elated, satisfied, joyful, anxious......etc.
some of those are as follows (in no particular order)
peanut butter
technology (ranging from computers to xbox)
music
listening to jazz
playing music
playing music with good musicians
playing music with the_crud
finding beauty in broken things (such as buildings)
finding beauty in nature
being floored by our Awesome God

and the list goes on.

but all that to say this.

i found a new thing
and this comes out of nowhere.
i have no idea how this happened
but you will not find me complaining.

its her falling asleep on me.
its cute
she fragile
and i'm careful.
she feel asleep again tonight
and if the hands of the clock didn't move from then on,
i would've been completely fine.
sitting there
with her lying silently
using me as her head rest.

tonight didn't turn out how i was hoping it would.
and i talk entirely too much,
but she made up for it.
and she didn't have to do a thing.

the weather got me down
but right when she opened the door
that was that.
the night could only be great
'cause i got to spend it with her.

i'm so lucky and blessed.
and duke ellington is perfect for 11:46 pm

.perdido.

-Lnk-

wipe-out

this is mad late
but the day was too crazy to not put down in words.
took my boi rios to ftl airport this morning.
i woke up at 7:15
that time doesn't usually exist in my life
especially not on weekdays.
but for friends i make exceptions.

so i dropped him off and drove to markham
to meet my pops and uncle.
they were taking out my uncle's wave runner
and i can't pass up the opportunity to tear it up on the water.
so after waiting for awhile for the storms to pass
we put in the water and took off.
after we all had taken the wave runner by ourselves
my uncle wanted to pull me on the tube.
i got in the water and held on.

i'm always kind of nervous when i go on a tube
but they are so much friggin' fun.
love it.
hahaha love
i've been tubing on a lot of lakes,
being towed by various people
so i guess it's also kind of nostalgic too.

so.......
my uncle isn't too skilled at towing people.
i ended up crashing into reeds/sawgrass one time.
i wasn't hurt just a little frazzled.
he was concerned but i told him it was cool
and i wanted to go again.

he drove a little more
then it happened.
he didn't cut it short enough
and i ended up crashing on the shore
smashing my left foot into rocks.

as i saw the rocks and shore running up to meet me
i thought i was done.
not that i was going to die,
but i was going to break something and not be able to play tomorrow
and just be out of commission.
but thank God that wasn't the case.

my foot hurts so bad.
i can't walk on it.
it isn't broken but mad mad sore.
its cut up nice.
but yeah that was the beginning of my day.

i came home after getting poured on
and trying to not make a big deal out of it.
i didn't want my uncle to feel worse than he did
and i wanted him and my dad to have fun.

i crashed in my bed.
i woke up to a phone call
and a delivery.
its hard to smile when you aren't entirely coherent
but i was overwhelmed.
thank you :)

my boi had his bachelor party tonight
and i got to kick it with him
and some kids i haven't seen in awhile.
i really enjoy catching up with people
and laughing.
and there was plenty of that tonight.

i will sleep heavy tonight
and hopefully some of this pain will be gone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i spoke to God this morning in return from the airport.
i'm so amazed.
i'm glad i'm weak
that we are weak.
so we are forced to look outside ourselves for help.
to find God.
how the law was written so we can see how far we fall
but how Christ was sent to be the saving grace.

its all so beautiful and cyclical
and how it has been falling into place recently.
i've smiled at least 50 times everyday,
and the great thing is
that everyday hasn't been great.
its been life.

ups and downs
misunderstandings
long conversations
awkward situations
and everything in between.

and tomorrow i get to jam with some sick musicians.
once again,
i don't know why i'm with them
cause i ain't that hot.
but i'm not complaining.

just make your decisions carefully.

.playradioplayagain!!!!.

-Lnk-

playradio

i screwed this filter cap on to tight.
you left this at my doorstep
does is it mean anything to you?
why don't i just be the man
and do what my hands have a leniency towards?

this is the start from the beginning
all over again.
this is the exciting and the let down
as the night comes to end.
this is the windows down
and the conversation up,
this is not the way i'd
thought it would be.

but i smile
cause i could listen to you talk
for hours and hours
and never be bored.
my heart swells
like the grinch over who-ville,
i can't explain it
but i know my heart did expand.

part of me wants to jump the gun
be what i see and just get there now.
but the chase is part of the fun
and you are more than entertaining
you are brain matter stimulating.
i can't define what this is
but i know that God is true.
He is sovereign and i pray
that He is the center of me and you.

no more rhyming.
but i felt like it for awhile.

wish i had some chocolate chip cookies
and cold milk.

.aboicandream.

-Lnk-

i'm through

"Jesus Christ, firstborn of the dead." Revelation 1:5

i'm through.
i ruined 2 1/2 weeks
cause i'm selfish.
and now all i can do is grieve
and ask for repentance.

i just want to mourn and apologize
apologize for me trying to do it.
when looking at the last days of my life
all i can see is You.
and today all i focused on was me.

Lord, i'm broken.
"Woe is me for I am a man of unclean lips."
and unclean hands, eyes, feet etc.
let Your power be shown in my weakness,
let Your glory be displayed in my mourning.
may my life still be profitable for Your kingdom.
work in spite of my undoing.

God send Your grace
send Your forgiveness.

"Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen."
1 Timothy 1:15-17

God may this scripture be the prayer of my heart.
i am the worst and may You be glorified
despite my best attempts to keep this focused on myself.

.bumpthis.

-Lnk-

night blooming jasmines

so i went to the celebration party thing,
i was reluctant.
but lately i've been forcing myself to get out there.
and tonight was worth it.
it was so much fun.
the food was great,
the entertainment was excellent
and the company was superb.

met her grandparents and aunt and uncle.
they were so nice and interesting to talk to.
i was talking to her as we drove to jennifer's house,
how cool and nice her parents were.
and i told her that i thought that was a big reason
of why i like being with her.
her parents raised her right.
to be respectful, kind
have morals.
if you have a rough home life,
you need a lot of people to make up
for what you're parents can't provide.

so we attempted to watch a movie at jennifer's.
everyone fell asleep except me.
but she rested on me.
i was so shocked that i had the gall
to even put my arm around her.
but i did and she rested her head on it.
i could've sworn that the couch had electricity surging through it.

after i woke her up and we left
and i drove her home
i got back into my truck and played the new
mwY album
and smiled the entire way home.
i know God is the God of the universe
but for some reason i don't see Him as getting involved with little things.
i know He does but i don't think He would bother with me.
but tonight.......
her head resting
asleep
that was all Him.
'cause i'm not that type of guy.

so many new cd's out
and so much squeezing its way through my synapses.
i won't have much time to sleep through tonight
but God allowed me to spend the early morning hours
with a great girl.
and tomorrow seems possible.

.warsandrumorsofwars.

-Lnk-

been gone for awhile

so yeah, i've been busy.
i told that i'm not too busy,
seems that right as those words left my tongue
my time was consumed.
been going to eikon for the past 2 weeks
and really dig it.
the messages have been good
and the music is killer.
the fellowship after at the grille
is awesome as well.

i've made a lot of new friends
and taking brave steps.
in 2 days it will be 2 weeks!
never thought i'd make it this far
and it's only by God's good graces.

been hanging out with a lady quite a bit.
today went with her as she bought a mac laptop.
the apple store is my ideal work place.
i don't know if i'm ready to date again
but this girl is amazing.
i'm not spewing infatuations
i'm telling facts.
she is Godly and knows the Word,
she is funny,
she is outgoing and gets along with anyone,
my sis digs her,
she is convicted,
she is mature,
she knows what she wants.

its extremely refreshing to converse
with someone so focused.
honestly, we've only known each other for about 2 weeks
but our conversations never dribble.
we talk about God and our human condition tons
and she is a smart one.

i didn't go searching for a girl.
i didn't throw my heart out on a line,
i still have it and i'm hoarding it like a prize.

there are no words to explain this,
seriously i can't find any.

but.......
i'm going to her sister's graduation party manana
she finished med school and her rents
are having a huge celebration.
straight up belly dancer,
dj, live band.
her family is egyptian.

i don't know how i got here
and i'm just now understanding the weight of God's sovereignty.
i've made so many friends in the past 2 weeks
and seen God provide in blunt ways.
i have no words to describe what has been going on
and i think its better left at that.

. .

-Lnk-

i'm not special

i'm not great by any means.
i've got bends in more than my knees.
at times my bones push through my skin
wondering at how i ended up in this body i am in.
wondering why i'm loved by You
and why you stay around.
after the lights are off and silence is the sound.
i'm nothing special or cool
just genes and some molecules.
a walking primordial pool.

and tonight i'm feeling it deep
between the ribs and heart.
somewhere lodged at the back of my stomach
against my spine.
it burns
cause i don't know how to deal.
i'm a sucker for a conversation
and the gauntlet has been thrown.

and when do i make it known
that the new sun shines brighter
and differently?
i don't want dark corners
i want it all out there
for eyes to observe.
i want You to have all
cause You gave.

now my fallible body aches for sleep,
and before i pass off
i know i'll think about the day
and what i've said and thought.
i'll take back those words
but i'll leave the moments.
because i'll laugh about a dog eating a squeak toy.
and you trying to smack a fly out of the air.

with God all things are possible
and i'm beginning to understand what that actually means.

.guyritchie.

-Lnk-

been strong

i've been going steady now,
just on the straight.
but today i got angry
and i didn't like it.
over something very very small.

i think that's my next thing to deal with,
my anger issue.
don't know where it came from,
i think its from my dad.
got my music from my mom
and some of my temperament from my pops.
argghh
besides that everything is gravy.

i'm 23 now!
that's exciting right?
and i believe this is my 301st post
another accomplishment!

but i can't go on talking ignoring something
that God has brought along.
*disclaimer*
i don't want a girlfriend.
i enjoi being single.

stephanie rabbat
a egyptian canadian
ridiculously rooted in God's Word.
i don't ever really take anyone's advice on ladies.
but i listened to jimmy.
i ponied up and took the initiative to talk to her,
and we've been talking a lot.
it's great.
she went to the weston college group last night
and she really enjoyed it.
unlike two j's that came with.
but that's neither here nor there.
i know that this info doesn't make everyone as happy as it does me.
but what can i do?
i didn't go out looking for her.
it just happened.

but i've been reading ephesians
and knowledge of the Holy
and mere christianity.
and things are purty swanky.

God is too good.

.asilaydying.


-Lnk-

Life changing

saw a cow give birth saturday.
and i prayed.
things have been going great,
besides someone getting their face bitten.
phone conversations are hard,
texting is so much easier.
but hearing someones voice
is much more sincere.

and your voice doesn't sound
coming from the other side.
whew that was done with.
watching the office again.
puts a smile on my face.

done with exams and have one stupid class left.
arghh have to show up.
tomorrow is going to be busy.
but i will most likely be smiling.

like i am now

.ephesians1:7.

-Lnk-

daggers

so the chariot has released some new stuff.
its great.
they will probably go down as one of my favorite bands.
they are chaotic
as is my thinking.

them, showbread, copeland,
as cities burn.......
hahaha i'm not venturing into that.
not going to even try to name my favorite bands.
that would hurt me too much.

but please, let this go.
don't know if you have the kite string still around your hand,
but at least pull it in some
and erase what is on it.
please.

i walk around and sometimes catch a glimpse
of that kite in the sky.
i don't want to see it.
i tear apart the plastic handles around
in an effort to lower the chances of one catching air.
but its always there.
i just want one day when i don't hear it.
flapping in the wind.

one of my boi's found a girl,
and oh does he know how to pick them.
she's a winner.
and the girl was nice enough to try and set me up,
with her friend.
that made me happy,
but i don't know if i'm going to go through with it.
i'm so nervous,
haha,
but it made me happy she thought about me.
js is a really good friend.
all my friends kick ass.
they are loyal over everything,
and js stands out amongst them.

our conversation today,
"I was talking to her about how great you are and your music and whatever and she asked if you'd like to double date with us."
"Hahaha dude thanks for talking me up. Hahaha"
"Somebody has too. So what do you think?"
"Ummmm...."

he's so cool.
thanks man.
for standing up for me wherever you are.
you are a truly great person.
and you deserve the chica your with.

.kickass.

-Lnk-

burned it

so i cleaned my room today.
i found where i kept your notes.
i read some of them,
unfolded them and read.
a lot of words.
they were still creased and everything.
mint condition.

took them to the fire pit,
and burned them.
it sucked,
but on the silver lining....
folded paper burns really cool.
just push some propane gas on it,
and each fold burns individually.

i made sure all the ink was gone.
its still burning out back.
and i don't think we ever got to share the pit.
whatever...
they are burning and getting taken by the wind.
i can think of something to say,
but it'd be too mean.

it was great having no real reason to wake up.
just slept.
woke up late,
stayed up even later.

no matter how much i talk
or fill my ears with great noise,
i can't stop thinking about what you wrote.
i know you meant it then,
but its crazy how people change so quickly.

i'm done with this.
bump it.

.hotsauce.

-Lnk-

first beer i've enjoied

bought my first case,
with my sis.
cause i needed cash back at publix.
hahahaha
but d.d. turned me on to blue moon.
taste good!

listening to mewithoutYou
forcing myself to work on a paper.
but that's going nowhere quickly.
but i want to dance outside,
on the roof,
with you.
hand in hand.
would you be as simple as i've imagined?
or are you just as everything else that i've built up?
destined to fall after i've touched you.

just keep your distance,
whisper loud enough so i can hear you.
but don't let me close,
because when that happens
i will ruin everything.

boom clap clap
clap clap
clap clap

so.......
yeah.
nothing really nuts going on with me.
i really want to be touched though.
i miss that.

but i don't want just anybody,
i want that someone.
who i can talk to hours with.
about life, God, politics, music.
i want her to challenge me,
not necessarily by her words
more by her actions.

i've seen some.
but not yet.
i keep telling myself not yet.
but i can imagine my hand in yours,
your face in my palms.
your head on my chest.
but who am i for you?
why me when you can have anyone else?
others wanted "life" or my best friend.
what do i lack?
what am i missing?

am i that inadequate...
am i insufficient.
is there something that i do not have
that causes girls to slowly fade away from me?
what is it....
what can i fix?

i remember now walks at the park.
leaving to drive,
playing basketball endlessly,
tuning tiny acoustics.
looking for small dog,
laying on your road,
flying to see,
driving back,
crying.

wow!!
that's is a lot of stuff.
man, what have i done?
so many memories,
but they are nothing more than that.

i am helpless.
God, pour me out.
tie me up, untie me!!

kiss me please.
hug me so i know you'd like to.

but once again,
you never will.
because i'll never tell you how i feel.

i'm not going to lose again,
so stop before you try.

.thankstothepast.

-Lnk-

killer madz

for the first time in awhile,
i wrote something i could stand.
haha
i'm taking bold steps
and i'v fallen straight through at least once...
so far.
but it was worth it
and i've never put my foot out that far.
it felt good,
like a rush
a sudden flush of my face.

spinning some mewithoutYou now.
honestly,
they are the only band that makes me want to truly dance.
not that, "i'm going to dance 'cause everyone else is."
its that, "dance dance, bend knees, sway arms and breathe in the air."
that kind of dance.
just exaggerated movement i guess.
i am in no way coordinated enough
to string specific flails
into anything that would constitute as a dance.
but mewithoutYou makes me believe that no one cares.
that we would all dance together
smiling 'cause we know our God is bigger than our problems
and because we have each other.

ahhhhh....
so lovely.
give me some music with passion.
raise your vocals and sing oh creation
for the Creator that formed you
is beautiful beyond comparison.
His words are the tools
we are His created.

ahhhh....
nights like this
that make being alone not such a terribly bad thing.
in this mood,
i mean everything i say.
so let me get out of the way.
~~~~~~~~~~~
random question:
why don't you ever use the bathroom before you leave?
haha
had to ask.
you are beautiful and i wish you could see it.
if you did,
you'd see all that is around you is useless.
the drama,
the talking.
you don't need attention,
you don't need a boy.
honestly,
you just need to rest,
stop thinking about what anybody is thinking about you,
grab a cup of coffee and/or tea,
lay back on your bed and breathe.

realize you are alive,
that you are spared from further dating a jackass,
that God has brought you out of despair,
that the girl in the mirror is not you.

i saw a glimpse of you,
caught it while i was looking down.
i didn't see you're face but i heard your voice,
and saw your hand movement.
that was you.
it was gorgeous,
like a single ray through grey clouds.
my heart stopped and i gasped.

i have nothing else to say,
other than know that you are beautiful.
don't sell yourself short.
who cares who you see
whenever you do.
God loves you
and God loves them.
just breathe
~~~~~~~~~~~~
SHIfT:
oh man this song is going to hurt.
but i'm not changing it.
i'm a man.
i can do this.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~
i've seen you at least 15 times since it ended.
and everytime she turns around,
i silently hope it is you.
and it never is,
and i smile
'cause i can't see you anymore.

i've taken things that you made down,
some i've left up.
don't know the difference between either.
just my choosing.

are we we?

i have random questions
i'm better sometimes
and other times i miss everything.

now i'm half/half.

but i know things will happen.
haha that's general.
things do happen
and the future never stops.
so hopefully,
that will have a bright sun.
bright enough to blot out my burns.
to singe new pictures.

in all honesty,
we had great times didn't we?
i love the big city
and i will never forget the island.
but i wish i could go there again,
without thinking of you.
you monopolized my synapses
but i gave them to you voluntarily.

scabs are what i have to show.

i bite my lip so well
and honestly i don't think you know what you've done.
i'm using the word "honestly" too much,
my apologies.

but you don't have any idea.
i don't say this to make you feel bad or awful
or whichever word you may choose.
i just have to tell you
because you are the only person who would understand.

i opened up early,
soon.
and i gave a lot.
you made first moves,
but i made up for that.
i did things that i've never done
and i'm ashamed that i did them so blindly.
you didn't force me,
i gave in on my own accord.
wish i would thought straight.

but yeah, i'm hurt.
like stomach pains and unmentionable anger.
when i said i wasn't mad at you,
i lied.
i am.
and i don't know when i'll be over it.

i hold grudges way too easily.

okay i can't say anymore.
hahaha
this is ruining my night.
~~~~~~~~~
ummm....
anything else
yesterday part of my heart died.
again i gave it away.

i'm sure i'm partially retarded
if it burns your hand off
you should stop lighting fireworks.
but i'll be damned,
i can't put down the lighter.

i love my job.
those kids are awesome.
any problems,
are melted away but their smiles
and their constant questions.

today i walked in to work
and saw one child in particular
and i smiled
and my day was perfect.

guess that's all.

but oh my!!!
i have so much more to say.
words can't express it.
and that'll have to do.

.someonemakemeafraidofwhati'vebecome.

-Lnk-

impressions

so i had some time to do nothing.
so i started working on my walken impression.
it's difficult.
tried to do it on the way to school.
now all i can hear is everything spoken
as if walken spoke it.

it's boring in my brain

.screw.

-Lnk-

i like space

i'm not good enough
on my knees is where i need to be,
but where you'll not likely find me.

i give my heart away like everyday,
not to You,
but to Your creation.
my goodness,
like i....
damn.....
i just want to be held.
and some nights
i want it more than others.

like last night,
think i melted.
she was in no way ugly
but she felt that way.
if girls only knew....

but i can never say it,
out of my mouth.
cause i'm a sucker for a pretty face.
the first time i tell anyone,
will most likely be the last.
with my face bright red
and my heart pounding a million miles a minute.
i will not say anything.

.causeimapuss.

-Lnk-

to quote hannah montana

we want "the best of both worlds."
we want to date someone,
but still have the freedom to be single,
we want to be in God's grace,
yet we want to hold on to our sinful nature.

make a decision,
to quote Becoming the Archetype
"It's life or death
Now make your choice
Whose side are you on?"

step up and choose what you want?
you want your life on your own terms,
or you going to do things God's way?

i also, throughout yesterday, realized
that dead men can't be reasoned with.
2 Corinthians 4:4
"The god (Satan) of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God."
if they can't see,
how are they going to be able to understand.

and in that lies the mystery of God
and his sovereignty.
i have to trust that He allows everyone an opportunity for salvation.

pick your side,
Matthew 8:22
But Jesus told him, "Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead."
Luke 9:62
Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God."
get moving.
all or nothing.

.wewanteverything.

-Lnk-

only so much i can take

i can only have so much of you.
you make me too happy.
when i hear you sing,
it makes me feel warm.
your eclectic
and your simple clothes
remind me of the middle of summer.
i'm smitten.
like waking up from a midday nap
and feeling so content.
i'll probably never meet you
and i will be the first to say
that this is weird that i'm blogging about you
but you have captured my eye
with simple words
and sounds to accompany them.
wish i could take you out.
but how would a boy like me
find you?
for now i have my guitar?
hopefully my songs will find you
as yours have found me
and you smile.
cause my face is never in a frown
listening to you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

so...........
man life has been hectic.
between one of my best friends
being hurt really bad
and my boi in virginia
getting a job,
its great and horrible haha.
i've been really busy
trying to finish school field hours,
school projects
and working.
i'm growing my facial hair
and don't plan on shaving for awhile.
i have no one to impress,
although i could think of a few.
but its just me
relax and chill.

tomorrow i plan on mowing the lawn,
outside YEAH!!!!
i like smelling like the sun.
its rewarding.
i saw her sis and mom at dunkin donuts
and dreamt about her last night.
the dream was happy and it was like it was.
we were on the road,
but i woke up and realized where i was
and where she's gone to.
what am i going to do about it?
nothing much.
but her mom gave me the most sincere hug i've had in awhile.
it made me smile through the awkwardness.
we spoke and her sis is still addicted to that cellphone.
haha
good times.
i'm happy i met her
but i need to stop giving my heart away,
she earned it
and i gave it willingly.
but how many times can i do this?
two is too much already
hahaha i'm such a puss.

damn third eye blind is sick.
but tomorrow is wide open
and saturday tackett will be in town.
should be sick.
next sunday i'm leading a song in big church,
and i realized last weekend
that i was always wanting to be on big church stage.
even at flamingo,
i wanted to play with the adults.
and now i am
but at a different church,
but they are nice
and always smile and ask if i need anything.
just cool that i remembered that dream of mine.

man i've been through shit,
haha and God has brought me here.
in a v-neck white shirt,
old P.E. shorts,
single,
in a house with my sis and dog,
in school,
facial hair,
confused,
and kind of sun burned.

i'm okay with life,
but being okay doesn't mean i'm not mad.
does anyone realize that relationship is built on a lie?
anyone but me?
when is anyone going to ask questions?
arrgghhh....
its the same thing with our government,
haha no one is going to ask questions
and when people start realizing whats happening
it'll be too late.
good thing obama isn't in control
GOD/JEHOVAH/ALPHA and OMEGA IS!!!!!!
damn that's so refreshing and comforting.

only place i'd rather be is either at disney or passion

.eitherofthetwo.

-Lnk-

only line of communication

came across a derek webb video
that had a song from his newest record.
its entitled "A Savior on Capitol Hill"
it's a cutting song.
blunt and honest.
and before one of his performances of that song
he spoke a bit.
and this stood out.

"I'm not saying you shouldn't vote, just that you're at liberty not to. Never do anything that violated your conscience."

before he dropped that chunk of knowledge,
he challenged people who were struggling with who to vote for,
to find a mandate in the Bible that says to vote.
he made it clear he wasn't against people getting involved
and hell, he's in the thick of it.
writing and singing his songs that speak about being a Christian in our nation.

but that was awesome.
i've always had that on my mind.
hearing well meaning folks encourage and nea i say, demand me to vote.
where is that in the Bible?
to vote.
even if you don't agree with any side?

but i'm just thinking about it today.
and maybe talking to someone.
maybe someone will agree and listen.

.peclass.

-Lnk-

drop it all

if i met you tomorrow,
i'd drop everything.
i'd stop everything
just to let you know that you are worth it.

if you bumped into me and knocked my books down,
i'd leave them there.
on the floor, face up;
just the way you make me feel.

all life aside and just with you.
i don't need a huge house,
filled with gratuitous amounts of stuff.
a shack would do,
simply built for two,
and pots to catch the rain.

on the side of mountain
overlooking the sea,
or in the rundown projects
in the back alley.
our home,
my spouse.
just us and God.

asking Him questions,
quoting scripture we are struggling with.
losing sleep because sleep only takes away from time with each other.

i'm not crazy good looking,
i'm not chiseled out of white marble.
i'm not smooth or slick.

i'm quirky and have dreams to give.

*shrug*

-Lnk-

fml

speechless
i am without speech

-Lnk-

No Carousel of Progress

went to magic kingdom today.
with my aunt, uncle and sis.
it was great.
we are posted up in a hotel
and hitting up epcot tomorrow.

but seriously,
like seriously God.
tonight,
when i'm so weak.
no thanks,
skip me
dude.
can't take that and i just want to forget it.
but we've spent time here.
i know you saw me
but i'm not calling or communicating.
that would make it harder than this already is.
damn
fml.

dude where's my wingman?
haha vampires seriously
vampiric to the bone.

arghh praying that that doesn't happen again.
mission mars yeah.

.prayforwisdom.

-Lnk-

happy happy

been a hard couple days lately.
but i have the best damn friends ever.
watchmen was great.
my sister moved out.
i smoked a cigar.

i've been smiling a lot,
especially when i see couples kissing.
it makes me happy,
happy for them.
and it gives me hope.

the windows have been open and i've been falling asleep to the sound of the highway.
it's great and it reminds me of being in ohio t
at my grandparents house.
i cleaned my room.

i am painting a picture in my mind
and hopefully you will find your way into it.

.ihitmeredithwithmycar.

-Lnk-

Got no game

yeah so your beautiful
but don't worry.
i won't ever say more than hi.
why you ask?
oh i didn't say....
your beautiful remember.

i'm nervous around girls.
i used to say that it was polite.
seeing as when i had a girl,
i would have no problem not talking to ladies.
i was being courteous and faithful.
hahaha ironic some what?!?

but now i can't talk.
just walk past and instantly regret not saying something.
but when i do say something
it resembles public school lunch slop.
meaningless words mashed together
in hopes that you'll laugh.
but you don't cause honestly
no one ever ate the slop.

i'm witty dammit,
but you'll never know.
because i'm a bigger social recluse
than a street poet.

maybe tonight will be different.
doubt it.
but i can hope.

i just want someone to share my cd's with.
and it wouldn't hurt if she was a cutie as well.
driving with the windows open
both of us singing at the top of our lungs.
because Lord knows no one is singing at my house.

.truthproject.
ps: i danced with a girl at the club. it wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. the dome lights on the other hand....ballin'!!! bump the chicas, give me some sick music and a killer light show and you got my attention all night.

-Lnk-

no one tells me

how do i find out my Uncle Charlie died,
from finding a newspaper clipping
mailed to our house from my grandpa in Ohio.

i met him once, that i can remember.
my dad and i ate lunch with him.
he wore his white guayabera
and was a very clean man.
on the ride home my dad told me he was gay.
i didn't mind,
it was nice having lunch with an uncle i'd never met.

apparently he was going through some bad spells.
he died from what the newspaper said was
"a lengthy illness."
that's all i'll know.
i don't know whether he ever sought after Christ
or found Him to be his Savior.
and now i'm back to being a 11 year old boy.
helpless and heart-broken.
over an uncle i met just once,
but now i can never meet him again.

what do i do now?
i'm speechless and emotionless.
today has to get better.
i regret not having spoke to him,
is it my fault?

mercy Lord,
we need Your mercy and grace.

.pray.

-Lnk-

i've spent

the entire day working on my phone.
finally upgraded it to 2.2 firmware and got it running smoothly.
ridiculous.

my pops came home from Haiti today
and we went out to eat.
it was good to see him again,
and he brought some Haitian Rum too.
i'll tell you how it taste.

spent last night with a good friend,
we watched Taken which is an intense movie,
and caught up.
he's talking to a girl
and he told me about her
and the convo's they've had.
it makes me happy to see him happy.

i'm watching an old martial arts (kung fu) movie.
its titled "Come Drink With Me".
made in '66 its one of the first martial arts movies
to have a woman in the leading role.
so far, so good.
she's kicking some major anus.
and its corny,
just enough for me to enjoi.

my feelings/emotions have been up and down lately.
yesterday was bad.
really low on myself,
today's been better.
i just wish i had someone to hang out with.
my boi's are all married, engaged, dating, at school
my sis is always out with her friends.
so that leaves me with corny kung fu movies.
but i think i like it.....

well tomorrow i'm going to church,
so i'll sit next to someone and hopefully get to talk to them.

i hope she's doing okay.
i do miss her.
and i hope she knows that.

.kinghu.

-Lnk-

dreams

i dreamed of her last night.
i took her to work to hang out with the kids.
it was nice,
she was beautiful
and she smiled.

i just realized now that it was her in my dream.
change is hard,
but like a good friend told me,
"you need to find joy in your suffering.
i hate when people let hard times pass without learning something."
she's right.
complaining isn't going to do anything,
i need to trust and lean on God,
and leave it all to Him.
my job situation,
my family
my friends.
everything.

sigh....but it still hurts

.taken.

-Lnk-

just one of those nights

just chilled
got invited to a birthday dinner.
wasn't great friends with the bday boi.
but it was fun.
it was nice.
but it still hurts.
like in my gut.

i can't stand seeing anything that reminds me,
that's why i kicked the pic.
arghh man,
i'd be a fool to say that this is easy.
it's killing me.
but i'm reading the word
and it brings me peace.

oh yeah, enter shikari is purty rocking.
and no i will not meet you at the roundup at 1:30 am in my pjs.
srry

.johnorrthearsonist.

-Lnk-

now i lay me down to sleep

i go to bed after the laziest day of my life.
it was awesome.
just laying around and being with friends.
i gave my worries to God.
i'm sad but not broken.
when people ask me questions
i answer them truly,
and in thinking back
i feel i didn't over react.
think i handled it well.

i haven't been single in like 5 years.
it's weird,
and it hurts.
after having someone to call
or text.
but this is what i've been dealt.
it is for a reason
so i trust that God is at work

been reading and talking to God.
in the absence of having someone,
i now see time that i can talk to Him.

tomorrow will be challenging,
as will going home and taking down pictures and paintings will be.
the slow scrubbing of memories
and places.
this all is a long
hurting process.

but with friends and God,
i did it before,
and i can do it again.

.thejoythatwassetbeforeHim.


-Lnk-

cooking steaks

so yeah things have been particulary weird.
she wanted a break,
she wanted to do it alone.
so we broke.
last night was easy,
today was kick ass
tonight is hurting.
she said she's sorry she hurt me,
but she needs to do this.
i don't understand.

what the hell?

now i got to go eat
and be with friends.



-Lnk-

kind of feeling pushed aside

sitting in an empty classroom,
waiting for class to start.
now someone walks in 16 minutes before we start.
i want someone to hug me.
and if they did, i wouldn't stop them.
i'd probably cry.
and i hope that they'd understand,
cause i'm sure that they've wanted to do the same at least once.
i know i'm love now i just want someone to show me.

.itendtoaskfortoomuch.


-Lnk-

in a jacket two sizes to big

i will preface this blog with this statement,
i love my job.
since i am pursuing a career in education,
i figured working at a daycare would help me understand how to interact with kids.
but they are so cool.

i can be having the worst day ever,
i go to work and am greeted with smiles and energetic little kids.
they don't judge me,
they just want to play outside and want help with their homework.

today i smiled more than usual.
one boy was being teased by a group of girls,
he totally deserved it,
but he resorted to calling one of the girls chubby.
i immediately told this boy to never call a girl chubby, or fat
hoping to spare him future pain and agony.
another boy followed my correction with the most innocence one can muster and said
"You can't call people fat to be mean. Some people are skinny, some are fat. It's not bad. Everyone is different."
i smiled and saw that he was serious.
he believed what he said.

and then there is one little 5k boy.
he is the shortest kid on the playground.
all the girls love him because he small and easy to pick up.
but since today was a little colder, the kids had sweaters.
i was already outside on the swings waiting for the kids to come out.
then i heard, "Josh!!!"
it was a mobile army jacket with tiny legs and small hands sticking out.
it was him.
wearing an army jacket.
or maybe the jacket was wearing him.
his small face was enclosed in the hood
and the jacket was two sizes to big.
throughout the day i was attacked by this camo puffball.
then he broke my heart.
i told him that i liked his jacket.
he said, "Yeah, it's from the army. You know my dad was in the army!"
i smiled but held back tears.
his dad died last year in iraq,
fighting for our country.
he took it real hard last year
but has made major improvements this year.
his mom works hard and raises her son by herself.
he loves his dad
and is proud that he was in the army.

i love my job.
if people would listen to their children or hang out at a daycare,
they'd realize what really matters.

.windowsopen.

-Lnk-

issues in elementary education

im sticking to it. i'm staying in this class for it's entire duration.

watched the inaguration today.
if he keeps his word he could be a great president,
but i still was unclear on some of his words.
like when he said "if you kill innocents,we will defeat you."
something like that, referring to terroists.
my question would be, how?
again when he said he wants to give everyone the opportunity to succeed.
once again, how?
giving them free governmental help?
free ride alongs?
how are we going to defeat terroists and their organizations?
peace talks for endless months?

overall, it was a good speech.
and even better was rick warrens prayer.

although i don't always agree with everything that he is about,
his prayer was good and poignant.
when he said, "let's pray."
i bowed my head.
but i realized that i was doing something i don't normally do.
pray in school, in public.
i was a little nervous at first,
thinking about everyone looking at me
and wondering why i was praying,
but i realized something else,
it's not about them,
it's about God and i.

i felt comfortable praying to a God who is with me in school.
cause it sucks alone.
and sadly i spend most of my days, here at school, alone.

well here goes a presentation on corporal punishment.
argh

-Lnk-

shot in the knuckle

played airsoft tonight with the bois.
it was fun,
one of us broke a glass table.
and that purty much was our signal to leave.
we were chatting in the house when someone mentioned that there was something outside.
there was something stuck on someone's truck.
so we walked outside looking at the truck.

we were attacked by my bois girlfriends.
they had a can of silly string
and a super soaker filled with inca cola.
we were all purty surprised.

now my friend jimmy was a little mad at his lady.
just them not seeing eye to eye.
but she was one of the girls who surprise attacked us.
it was cute watching them "fight"

i don't know what that means but i was happy for them having their girls down here.
it made me smile,
but it hurt to.

anyways.......
i'm running on 4 hours of sleep.
don't know how or why my body has elected to not pass out,
but i've been up and moving since 6:50 this morning,
and got to bed at around 3 last night.

so i'm going to now play some NCAA,
to which i have become slightly addicted too.

enjoy the friends and loved ones you have around you,
take advantage of shooting each other with plastic bullets.
it might sting,
but you are having fun with people that care about you and for you.

.carlosdunlap.

-Lnk-

new app

so i'm posting this blog from my phone
using a new app i got.
purty snazzy
i'm in class and it is so boring.
rode my bike to class,
had class at the pines center,
so i took advantage of the cool weather,
and saved me some gas.

my family and i went to Disney this past weekend.
it was so relaxing just eating and being with my family.
the last night my dad and i did some fence hopping.
we found our way into an old water park that had been closed down for awhile.
it was so cool.
so rundown, trees and plants grew over everything.
it was crazy to see it all old and crappy looking.
we took the freedom of no one being there to climb around.
we found ourselves on top of the highest point, overlooking everything.

good times with my pops.

he also called me smart.
that made me smile.

well, back to pretending i care about this class.


-Lnk-

don't go

i'm sorry that i can't get this out of my head,
but when i hold you i have the nagging feeling that you will leave.
that this hand i'm holding will disappear,
that these lips that i kiss are soon going away.

i don't want to get attached cause you won't be here.
i know how your hand feels in mine,
but time will slowly etch that memory away into
"what once was".
then that will be a dream hoped for.

we've been together for somewhere in the neighborhood of 2 years.
but we still have a lot to learn,
and a lot of growing to do.

if i could kill a bear to make you not leave,
i would.
if i had to scale mount olympus to make us work,
i would.
not saying that we are broken,
i just see areas that we need to grow in.
and i'm not one to be particularly patient.

i love you,
i know i do.
i can feel it when i see you.
your overwhelming-ness.
your laugh, your words,
your freckles.

but that will all be gone.
and i will be here trudging through this sh**
that they call college.
2 more years of this?
i was asked how much longer you'll be away,
and i realized 2 more years.

read baby.
read.
encourage me to read too.
lets talk about it openly.
lets share that part of our lives together,
at least while your down here.

i miss you.

i woke up with the greatest feeling of loneliness this morning.
maybe because i never properly said goodbye last night,
maybe cause i didn't walk you out to your car.

one of your friends said they <33333333 you so much.
they have no idea how much i love you,
and how much God loves His daughter.

i'm jealous of them,
i'm jealous of LI.

.motherrussia.

-Lnk-