maybe i did

maybe i came back a different person.

but i doubt it.

the wind felt great and the words made sense,

but i'm still the same as when i left.

sometimes i feel that you need to let me go,

find someone suited to court you.

cause i'm lousy and emotional,

and unstable.

and just so much more.

your beauty is so much brighter,

you are just fantastic and i'm ___________

yuck, that's how i feel.

-Lnk-

cheer up, k?

i want to but i'm tired. i slept the afternoon away and woke up in the dark.

today has been boring and i feel the same.

maybe if i just go back to sleep i'll wake up as someone else.

-Lnk-

love sick lover

you've broke My heart, but I still love

you've made Me cry, but I still want you

I want you to be with me, to be apart of Me

be apart of My life.

I have and will continue to love you,

even when you drive the nails deeper,

even when, to you, I cannot exist;

I do, and I am right here waiting for you.

you are my bride and I the ever loving groom.

I have painted you endless skies and breath-taking oceans

deep blues and passionate reds.

the birds cry out My name,

and i do to, once in awhile.

when its convenient for me.

when He suits me,

if i make it to Heaven, i may be as bloody as hell

will You still take me?

cause i wouldn't, and i don't.

the truth being told i can't love my neighbor as myself,

cause then i'd hate them.

is this it?

God is this it?

this can't be all, there has to be more.

there has to be more than 24 hours and light and dark.

more than falling down and getting up,

more than heartache and love.

something has to exist in this house,

if i could tear through the air and see Your face.

rip through and see the other side

to know what i'm living for.

Could you be asleep,

could i sleep till this passes?

would you let me that pleasure?

i'm tired of breaking your heart and squeezing tears from Your eyes

i'm sorry, so terribly sorry and sorrowful.

i'm i'm i'm i'm

I had an angels smile,
hiding a vultures bite.
I had no use for your redeeming blood.

...this is me at my darkest....

-----------------------------------

as cities burn and my sorrow

-Lnk-

i wrote

i wrote you a song, but it didn't capture your eyes

i wrote you a song, but it didn't show your heart.

so i burned it and threw it away, threw it out

threw it out with my past.

threw it away with my mistakes, with your mistakes

i wrote you a poem but it didn't do you justice

i wrote you a poem but it didn't show your love

so i erased it with my tears.

i can't paint or draw

but i'll do my best to show you how much you mean to me.

i've used these words before,

i've used words: love, innocence, joy, pain...etc

i'm done using words, i want to hold you again

i want to hold you and kiss your hand.

i want to shelter you from the rain,

i want to meet your needs and be yours.

i'm just so ready to really live,

i'm done worrying about school desks and scores on test

about teachers approval and fall/spring terms.

i want to live buy your side, i want

i want..............

.i want and i wrote.

-Lnk-

turkey burger/apologize

two different subjects in one blog:

you asked for a turkey burger,

i thought thats all you wanted;

i forgot what you needed,

you needed someone to give you more than food,

you wanted someone to sit with you will you ate;

but its easier to buy you food and walk away,

i sure feel better without having to do anything.

you smelled awful and your head hug so low,

i wanted to tell you that you are loved,

but all i could do was stand aside;

your shoes were worn and your shirt was unreadable,

years of dirt and water had faded the once new logo to a black smudge,

you didn't need someone to step aside,

you needed someone to step in, and i moved out of your way.

you asked for a turkey burger and i gave you what you asked for,

but not what you needed.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

you don't have to apologize to me,

i just wish you were hungry for this,

i wish i was hungry for this.

i know if you make time for this....it would be for the best.

babe, i just want the best for you, always

i don't want to make you feel guilty, or wrong,

i just want you to have the best life possible.

now while i'm not psychically there, i still want to give you the best life

i love you honey, always will

from the first day we hung out in the parking lot for hours on end,

when we watched signs, sitting as far apart as any two could on my couch.

i'll always love you honey.

i just want the best for you.

-Lnk-

this

this weekend made us stronger, together and apart

and i'm so glad we got to see each other, it really was for the best

we laughed, we frowned and tonight i'll cry

you aren't falling asleep on my arm and my heart is incomplete without you

we truly are better together, i like who i am around you

i can tolerate myself when you are here

i love you and you love me

you will soon be down here and i can take you out, and we can lay down and stare at the stars

who knows what next year will bring, but i know tonight i sleep alone

i sleep alone in anticipation of not sleeping alone for too much longer

when this time of papers and deadlines passes, we will be together, the good and the bad, the morning breath and the stubbed toes

all of it. i can't wait

and whats even better...

i know you can't either

love you sweet cheeks

you are beautiful, gorgeous, amazing inside and out.

i love you forever and always and i will forever be yours to have and to hold, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health.

“In my Father's house are many rooms;
if it were not so, I would have told you.
I am going there to prepare a place for you.
And if I go and prepare a place for you,
I will come back and take you to be with me
that you also may be where I am.”

John 14:2-3

-Lnk-

tonight

took my love out to eat and it was wonderful. it was like the world was right and we were each others for a couple of hours.

it was cold and i liked it.

i don't like speaking of it in past tense cause i want it to still be here.

i want to be there in laguna grill talking about our love and the problems that it brings.

we had an actual conversation. not just "i miss you, i miss you also". real stuff. real love and real pain.

it felt so good and promising. when we make it through these years that's how it will be. real and good.

rolling over in bed and seeing her face. seeing the diamond shine in her eyes. seeing her get "fchlempt" when i get down on one knee.

cause i will, just for her. not for anyone else.

and i want to now, but that wouldn't be fair to either of us.

that's life.

boys don't cry.

but i do.

i do a lot.

guess Robert Smith is wrong, but i still like his music.

i'll let him be wrong once in awhile, he's allowed.

well going to watch transformers and pass into the last night.

g'night

-Lnk-

so how goes it?

well thanks for asking.

i'm currently in her dorm room with her sis. just watching goosebumps and playing guitar hero.

she is so beautiful. i forgot how much she meant, she is gorgeous and makes me so happy.

we were in the city today, actually got to go to the Metropolitan Art Museum. it was very pretty. cool sculptures and ancient art. i throughly enjoyed it.

i miss her so much. i'm with her and i miss her. it's so hard to see her life up here. its just weird and i don't know.

i'm just glad i got to come up here and see her.

been listening to my ipod a lot and new york city just seems to make sense while Between the Buried and Me orchestrates.

riding the subway with my ipod makes it so much cooler also. i love music.

the only time i feel alright is while listening to my ipod or while kissing my love.

i forgot how good kissing felt. man, and did i say she is gorgeous.

i'm just torn between being happy for her and being sad cause i'm not apart of this.

i feel out of place. i never had felt "welcomed" at any college. Liberty, FIU, FAU, CW Post, neither of them.

her and i have been going back and forth. me wanting her to come back down to South Florida and her wanting me to come up here.

i want nothing more than to be with her forever. i love her and she is my future wife and i her future husband.

i love you baby. i love you so much. be safe. and know that i love you more than anything.

miss you

-Lnk-

so i'm off

i leave for new york in about 15 mintues.

i'm excited and scared at the same time.

can't wait to see her though.

i hope she still likes me.

wish me luck.

-Lnk-

questions for no one

ever had your heart jump in throat?

your pulse is tangible in your neck.

your stomach twists and creates a pretzel.

when the day is fine, one thing can ruin it.

one thing at night.

innocent and not with the intention to hurt, but it does.

like a brick wall slamming on your intestines.

no not a brick wall, a knife in your gut.

no one pulls it out but instead twist it.

all the time they are innocent.

they have no idea what they are doing and i can't tell them.

i love them to much to say this hurts.

ever had everyone tell you one thing when you know its the exact opposite?

every realize you are a walking oximoron?

ever want to punch yourself in the face for being you?

complementing someone never hurt so much. saying goodbye never felt so good and freeing. tears for fears never made this much sense to me.

when single words bring so much emotion, what can you do? i can't hide from words cause i speak them. songs suck ever more. especially Hey there Delilah. worst song ever. hate it cause it makes too much friggin sense. ughhhhhhhh hate that song.

but one word, kiss. seeing others put that word into action kills. they kiss their loved ones and i can't.

even watching Blades of Glory. when Katie (Jenna Fisher) and Jimmy MacElroy ( Jon Heder) kissed, i almost puked. like seriously sick to my stomach.

i don't know what to do with this problem.

stars, sun, moon, kiss, hug, cry, pictures, flower, etc....

these words and more. i am starting to despise.

hmm......

if in silence i could say words. if with actions i could tell you how i felt.

but you can't see me.

you can if our wires are crossed right.

but i'd rather not go there.

i'd rather you be here.

i'd rather us be anywhere but where we sit now.

i just told you....

without you, i'm a mess of emotions and lack of knowledge in expressing them.......

and i am, right now.

and i am.

and i am, alone.

............................<------but i gots my dots.

-Lnk-

and when came then

i had fun today. hung out with an old friend. bought 2 shirts. hung out with my sister. opened God's word with my brothers. watched the office.

purty good.

7 days till i go to new york and i'm nothing but scared.

i know we both have changed a little since we last saw each other. she will look good no matter what. i'm just afraid of what she'll think of me. i'm scared.

i voiced this to her a couple of nights ago on the phone, and she said she will always love me. but i can't help still being scared.

i'm so nervous and i know it'll get worse as the day gets closer.

i called my college to make an advising appointment for spring 2008 semester. i gave the secretary my name and info and she was like, "Josh Link, hmmm that name sounds familiar. You wouldn't happen to be the kid who went on tour this summer?"

out of 32,000 students, she knew me. haha

so her and i talked about the summer tour and i actually, for the first time ever at this dreadful university, felt that someone cared about me. that i was important. that i mattered. that secretary did a great job. she made me smile.

so i'm going to go to bed a little earlier than usual. halo looks so tempting now but i must exhibit self-discipline.

to sleep i go.

-Lnk-

between here and then

well i've played a lot of halo 3 this past weekend. i knew this time would eventually come when all i saw around me would be halo 3. and i openly embrace it.

well my dad left on a mission trip to haiti but not before he fractured my sisters pinky finger. there was 10 dollars on the floor. my sis went to pick it up and my dad went to step on it so it wouldn't fly away. he wrecked her finger.

had some good talks with a new friend. not really a new friend. i've known her for awhile but recently we have had good talks and it has really been nice to have someone who understands a lot of what i'm going through.

also got to hang out with my red headed pal this weekend. he is very wise and completely random. at times he is hilarious in his own awkward way, but he is also very wise. he knows what to say and just when to say it.

i thought about the situation i'm in in my life. those who are around me i look up to. like my band mates, and the majority of my friends. i've never really had friends my age. they are usually younger or older than me. but i really look up to my older friends. they are all smart and just seem to have it together. i know they aren't perfect and have their own issues, but they aren't fake. not plastic. they are real, involved, loving people. but i've been realizing that they respect me and what i have to say. that really makes me smile. cause i ain't nothing special. i'm emotionally unstable and have so many faults and shortcomings. the guys in my band, they listen to my advice about what we might do in a certain measure of a song. the guys i lead worship with listen to my advice on a vocal harmony. the friends i talk to listen to what i have to say intently.

its great. like i stated before, i'm not super cool. i've always struggled with low self-esteem and i don''t entirely like the way i look. i like my hands and feet (but if you stare at them too long, they just look weird), but besides that, i'm not to keen on the rest of me. and to have these people listen to me and respect me, really shows me love. its a good feeling to know that those around you are your real friends.

i've never had so many people i can call friends. i had a group of compadres i used to run with awhile back. but these by my side now are the ones who have helped me through hell and back.

people can be great. and people can be awful.

love the oximoron.

also, one of our guitarists dad leads our band in a bible study almost every sunday. he is so dang wise man. this guy lives the word, he is the bible with skin. he has written books on how the constellations tell the story of The Christ, he is editing like an all encompassing encyclopedia for college students to combat the whacked theologies and ideas they might hear from students and/or teachers. he is on point. and even he asked me what i thought about something he wrote.

i don't know what i'm trying to say. all i know is that when those around you love you and accept you for who you are, there is no better feeling. when you meet up with a bunch of friends and play halo 3 for 4 1/2 hours, there is no better feeling. when you call up a friend who is crying and talk to them for hours, there is no better feeling. community is a necessity. there are no lone rangers. everyone needs a tonto.
in my case, i've got a lot of them.

Christ preached community, and i've been blessed to be a part of one.

also sitting in church this morning and realized it is much easier to see the bigger picture. at least for me it was. for some reason i understood what the pastor was saying but immediately i got a bird's eye view of the church and then of weston and then of davie and then of florida and then the world. it was weird. like in my mind's eye i saw it. and it made sense.

i'm incredibly small and what i do on my own has little to no impact on anything. i've been living on my own power this week and have crashed and burned too many times. this life isn't about me.

it's about us, serving our Lord. bringing His name glory. he's the One who has taken our sins, our addictions, our hatred, and placed it upon Himself. He died and paid for our human condition. He conquered sin and will return to smash satan's head with his heel.

talking to my guitarists dad about Revelations is so adrenaline infusing. man it is so ridiculous talking about how Christ returns. He will return and reclaim His throne as The King of the Jews and reign forever. He is going to friggin' destroy satan and we will have a front row seat.

man that is going to be the coolest thing ever. hands down.

*whew*- i start thinking about it and i get like mad excited like i could go lift my truck. but that ain't happening.

well it seems like i apparently had quite a few things on my mind tonight. purty long.

well..... i'm done.

-Lnk-

let the dead bury their own

"But Jesus told him, "Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead." Matthew 8:22

i've been thinking about that for awhile. Jesus said that because he knew the heart of the disciple who wanted to follow Him. he was holding back from giving everything to Jesus and it seems to me like a reasonable reason. but Jesus knew his heart. i don't want to hold anything back, even things that seem reasonable.

so hardcore "Let the dead bury their own dead."

craziness

went to the bible study with my weston peeps. went well and we all watched the office together. season 4 is so good.

love that show.

"Let the dead bury their own dead."

wow.

so convicting it hurts.

-Lnk-

implode/explode

you ever felt like you were falling apart?
like psychically losing your limbs?

yea thats me now

i'm going to go run

its 12:10 am

-Lnk-

boo to bad music

bad music sucks
it really does
go home bad music
no one wants you

shallow music deserves to be drowned in deep water

you are music for noise sake
and that is good for nothing

all i have to say
"boo to bad music"

-Lnk-

and i thought it would just stop

and after the rain came the lightning
and after the lightning came the hail
and after the hail came the devil
and after.............
and after ........
and after.....

and after i thought i had it done
and after i knew which way was up and that which was not down
and after...

and after i stopped crying
and after i wiped the blood from my face
and after i betrayed with a kiss
and after.....
and after.........

and after i hung myself in the field
and after i dropped and my insides fell out
and after the field became desolate
and now they call it Aceldama
and after...

i purchased this land with silver
i sold the only thing i loved
this is my field of blood
and after.....

this is all that i have sacrificed to please myself
forgetting the reason that i have a choice

how quickly i forget my love, my heart
when what i see is what i want
there is nothing in between me and everything

that therein lies the problem
i lie "therein"

i am the problem, this flesh, this human condition
to quote my new favorite movie "i calls it the black snake moan"

i want to horde all i have for my future
for our future
i see, and want, and lust after
and get exactly what it promises

which is nothing

now i wait, patient as this rowdy heart can be
waiting for the future to be now
cause its so much easier when she's around
it makes more sense

thanks for the patience Lord
thank you for Your Love
thank you for Your Never Ending Mercy

thank you listening to this poor, poor boy
i am your son and i have sinned
and i have made you cry
i have broke Your heart
and for that i am truly sorry

let me rest in Your arms
and there i will seek refuge
from this storm that won't leave
from this storm that rains hell
that brings with it pain and dis-trust

i sleep in Your arms tonight
and soon in hers

thank you for love
thank you for her
thank you for them
thank you for love

-Lnk-