i'm not special

i'm not great by any means.
i've got bends in more than my knees.
at times my bones push through my skin
wondering at how i ended up in this body i am in.
wondering why i'm loved by You
and why you stay around.
after the lights are off and silence is the sound.
i'm nothing special or cool
just genes and some molecules.
a walking primordial pool.

and tonight i'm feeling it deep
between the ribs and heart.
somewhere lodged at the back of my stomach
against my spine.
it burns
cause i don't know how to deal.
i'm a sucker for a conversation
and the gauntlet has been thrown.

and when do i make it known
that the new sun shines brighter
and differently?
i don't want dark corners
i want it all out there
for eyes to observe.
i want You to have all
cause You gave.

now my fallible body aches for sleep,
and before i pass off
i know i'll think about the day
and what i've said and thought.
i'll take back those words
but i'll leave the moments.
because i'll laugh about a dog eating a squeak toy.
and you trying to smack a fly out of the air.

with God all things are possible
and i'm beginning to understand what that actually means.

.guyritchie.

-Lnk-

been strong

i've been going steady now,
just on the straight.
but today i got angry
and i didn't like it.
over something very very small.

i think that's my next thing to deal with,
my anger issue.
don't know where it came from,
i think its from my dad.
got my music from my mom
and some of my temperament from my pops.
argghh
besides that everything is gravy.

i'm 23 now!
that's exciting right?
and i believe this is my 301st post
another accomplishment!

but i can't go on talking ignoring something
that God has brought along.
*disclaimer*
i don't want a girlfriend.
i enjoi being single.

stephanie rabbat
a egyptian canadian
ridiculously rooted in God's Word.
i don't ever really take anyone's advice on ladies.
but i listened to jimmy.
i ponied up and took the initiative to talk to her,
and we've been talking a lot.
it's great.
she went to the weston college group last night
and she really enjoyed it.
unlike two j's that came with.
but that's neither here nor there.
i know that this info doesn't make everyone as happy as it does me.
but what can i do?
i didn't go out looking for her.
it just happened.

but i've been reading ephesians
and knowledge of the Holy
and mere christianity.
and things are purty swanky.

God is too good.

.asilaydying.


-Lnk-

Life changing

saw a cow give birth saturday.
and i prayed.
things have been going great,
besides someone getting their face bitten.
phone conversations are hard,
texting is so much easier.
but hearing someones voice
is much more sincere.

and your voice doesn't sound
coming from the other side.
whew that was done with.
watching the office again.
puts a smile on my face.

done with exams and have one stupid class left.
arghh have to show up.
tomorrow is going to be busy.
but i will most likely be smiling.

like i am now

.ephesians1:7.

-Lnk-

daggers

so the chariot has released some new stuff.
its great.
they will probably go down as one of my favorite bands.
they are chaotic
as is my thinking.

them, showbread, copeland,
as cities burn.......
hahaha i'm not venturing into that.
not going to even try to name my favorite bands.
that would hurt me too much.

but please, let this go.
don't know if you have the kite string still around your hand,
but at least pull it in some
and erase what is on it.
please.

i walk around and sometimes catch a glimpse
of that kite in the sky.
i don't want to see it.
i tear apart the plastic handles around
in an effort to lower the chances of one catching air.
but its always there.
i just want one day when i don't hear it.
flapping in the wind.

one of my boi's found a girl,
and oh does he know how to pick them.
she's a winner.
and the girl was nice enough to try and set me up,
with her friend.
that made me happy,
but i don't know if i'm going to go through with it.
i'm so nervous,
haha,
but it made me happy she thought about me.
js is a really good friend.
all my friends kick ass.
they are loyal over everything,
and js stands out amongst them.

our conversation today,
"I was talking to her about how great you are and your music and whatever and she asked if you'd like to double date with us."
"Hahaha dude thanks for talking me up. Hahaha"
"Somebody has too. So what do you think?"
"Ummmm...."

he's so cool.
thanks man.
for standing up for me wherever you are.
you are a truly great person.
and you deserve the chica your with.

.kickass.

-Lnk-

burned it

so i cleaned my room today.
i found where i kept your notes.
i read some of them,
unfolded them and read.
a lot of words.
they were still creased and everything.
mint condition.

took them to the fire pit,
and burned them.
it sucked,
but on the silver lining....
folded paper burns really cool.
just push some propane gas on it,
and each fold burns individually.

i made sure all the ink was gone.
its still burning out back.
and i don't think we ever got to share the pit.
whatever...
they are burning and getting taken by the wind.
i can think of something to say,
but it'd be too mean.

it was great having no real reason to wake up.
just slept.
woke up late,
stayed up even later.

no matter how much i talk
or fill my ears with great noise,
i can't stop thinking about what you wrote.
i know you meant it then,
but its crazy how people change so quickly.

i'm done with this.
bump it.

.hotsauce.

-Lnk-

first beer i've enjoied

bought my first case,
with my sis.
cause i needed cash back at publix.
hahahaha
but d.d. turned me on to blue moon.
taste good!

listening to mewithoutYou
forcing myself to work on a paper.
but that's going nowhere quickly.
but i want to dance outside,
on the roof,
with you.
hand in hand.
would you be as simple as i've imagined?
or are you just as everything else that i've built up?
destined to fall after i've touched you.

just keep your distance,
whisper loud enough so i can hear you.
but don't let me close,
because when that happens
i will ruin everything.

boom clap clap
clap clap
clap clap

so.......
yeah.
nothing really nuts going on with me.
i really want to be touched though.
i miss that.

but i don't want just anybody,
i want that someone.
who i can talk to hours with.
about life, God, politics, music.
i want her to challenge me,
not necessarily by her words
more by her actions.

i've seen some.
but not yet.
i keep telling myself not yet.
but i can imagine my hand in yours,
your face in my palms.
your head on my chest.
but who am i for you?
why me when you can have anyone else?
others wanted "life" or my best friend.
what do i lack?
what am i missing?

am i that inadequate...
am i insufficient.
is there something that i do not have
that causes girls to slowly fade away from me?
what is it....
what can i fix?

i remember now walks at the park.
leaving to drive,
playing basketball endlessly,
tuning tiny acoustics.
looking for small dog,
laying on your road,
flying to see,
driving back,
crying.

wow!!
that's is a lot of stuff.
man, what have i done?
so many memories,
but they are nothing more than that.

i am helpless.
God, pour me out.
tie me up, untie me!!

kiss me please.
hug me so i know you'd like to.

but once again,
you never will.
because i'll never tell you how i feel.

i'm not going to lose again,
so stop before you try.

.thankstothepast.

-Lnk-

killer madz

for the first time in awhile,
i wrote something i could stand.
haha
i'm taking bold steps
and i'v fallen straight through at least once...
so far.
but it was worth it
and i've never put my foot out that far.
it felt good,
like a rush
a sudden flush of my face.

spinning some mewithoutYou now.
honestly,
they are the only band that makes me want to truly dance.
not that, "i'm going to dance 'cause everyone else is."
its that, "dance dance, bend knees, sway arms and breathe in the air."
that kind of dance.
just exaggerated movement i guess.
i am in no way coordinated enough
to string specific flails
into anything that would constitute as a dance.
but mewithoutYou makes me believe that no one cares.
that we would all dance together
smiling 'cause we know our God is bigger than our problems
and because we have each other.

ahhhhh....
so lovely.
give me some music with passion.
raise your vocals and sing oh creation
for the Creator that formed you
is beautiful beyond comparison.
His words are the tools
we are His created.

ahhhh....
nights like this
that make being alone not such a terribly bad thing.
in this mood,
i mean everything i say.
so let me get out of the way.
~~~~~~~~~~~
random question:
why don't you ever use the bathroom before you leave?
haha
had to ask.
you are beautiful and i wish you could see it.
if you did,
you'd see all that is around you is useless.
the drama,
the talking.
you don't need attention,
you don't need a boy.
honestly,
you just need to rest,
stop thinking about what anybody is thinking about you,
grab a cup of coffee and/or tea,
lay back on your bed and breathe.

realize you are alive,
that you are spared from further dating a jackass,
that God has brought you out of despair,
that the girl in the mirror is not you.

i saw a glimpse of you,
caught it while i was looking down.
i didn't see you're face but i heard your voice,
and saw your hand movement.
that was you.
it was gorgeous,
like a single ray through grey clouds.
my heart stopped and i gasped.

i have nothing else to say,
other than know that you are beautiful.
don't sell yourself short.
who cares who you see
whenever you do.
God loves you
and God loves them.
just breathe
~~~~~~~~~~~~
SHIfT:
oh man this song is going to hurt.
but i'm not changing it.
i'm a man.
i can do this.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~
i've seen you at least 15 times since it ended.
and everytime she turns around,
i silently hope it is you.
and it never is,
and i smile
'cause i can't see you anymore.

i've taken things that you made down,
some i've left up.
don't know the difference between either.
just my choosing.

are we we?

i have random questions
i'm better sometimes
and other times i miss everything.

now i'm half/half.

but i know things will happen.
haha that's general.
things do happen
and the future never stops.
so hopefully,
that will have a bright sun.
bright enough to blot out my burns.
to singe new pictures.

in all honesty,
we had great times didn't we?
i love the big city
and i will never forget the island.
but i wish i could go there again,
without thinking of you.
you monopolized my synapses
but i gave them to you voluntarily.

scabs are what i have to show.

i bite my lip so well
and honestly i don't think you know what you've done.
i'm using the word "honestly" too much,
my apologies.

but you don't have any idea.
i don't say this to make you feel bad or awful
or whichever word you may choose.
i just have to tell you
because you are the only person who would understand.

i opened up early,
soon.
and i gave a lot.
you made first moves,
but i made up for that.
i did things that i've never done
and i'm ashamed that i did them so blindly.
you didn't force me,
i gave in on my own accord.
wish i would thought straight.

but yeah, i'm hurt.
like stomach pains and unmentionable anger.
when i said i wasn't mad at you,
i lied.
i am.
and i don't know when i'll be over it.

i hold grudges way too easily.

okay i can't say anymore.
hahaha
this is ruining my night.
~~~~~~~~~
ummm....
anything else
yesterday part of my heart died.
again i gave it away.

i'm sure i'm partially retarded
if it burns your hand off
you should stop lighting fireworks.
but i'll be damned,
i can't put down the lighter.

i love my job.
those kids are awesome.
any problems,
are melted away but their smiles
and their constant questions.

today i walked in to work
and saw one child in particular
and i smiled
and my day was perfect.

guess that's all.

but oh my!!!
i have so much more to say.
words can't express it.
and that'll have to do.

.someonemakemeafraidofwhati'vebecome.

-Lnk-