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Monday, December 31, 2007

watch and learn

Sunday, December 30, 2007

if you want my bed, you'll need to get my love

i had a great night tonight,

.too bad .

-Lnk-

Friday, December 28, 2007

not while i'm around

Nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around.
Nothing's gonna harm you, no sir, not while I'm around.

Demons are prowling everywhere, nowadays,
I'll send 'em howling,
I don't care, I got ways.

No one's gonna hurt you,
No one's gonna dare.
Others can desert you,
Not to worry, whistle, I'll be there.

Demons'll charm you with a smile, for a while,
But in time...
Nothing can harm you
Not while I'm around...

Being close and being clever
Ain't like being true
I don't need to,
I would never hide a thing from you,
Like some...

No one's gonna hurt you, no one's gonna dare
Others can desert you,
Not to worry, whistle, I'll be there!
Demons'll charm you with a smile, for a while
But in time...
Nothing can harm you
Not while I'm around...

a song from the movie "Sweeny Todd"

awfully dark movie but still good.

went to a panthers game tonight with a good friend.

met his familia for the first time and had peanuts thrown at me by his sister

the cats got wooped 5-1.

last night my girl and i made breakfast for dinner,

it was great.

then we laid on my hammock for a bit,

then we went for a canoe ride.

found out she had never been on a canoe ride before,

it was pure bliss.

things have been much better

but i still have hurdles to jump.

i'm not afraid of school anymore

or just not as much as i was before.

seriously, i have watched each episode of each season of "The Office"

at least 10 times.

i'm officially addicted to this show.

it's too good.

love it

man oh man

-Lnk-

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

sdrowkcab

krow siht ekam ot sdrawkcab revo gindneb m'i

struh ylereves os ti yhw ylbaborp staht

ti tegrof t'nod i os nwod ti tup, enil siht ekil

-knL-

christmas

it was good, had the usual family over

and then my other family came over.

haven't seen them in 19 years.

craziness.

watched Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring

forgot how great it was.

she fell asleep, she always does

and she is so cute when she sleeps.

she is so beautiful,

i forgot how powerful her words are.

the way her perfect lips pronounce the syllables

so simple and poignant.

love that girl

well i'm going to bed,

-Lnk-

Sunday, December 23, 2007

physical, mental, emotional and spiritual

i've lived a full day

i'm tired in each of the titles

i've had extreme highs and lows but it ended better than it started

i planned on sleeping all day long.

i was too afraid to wake up

but the sun wouldn't let me.

so i begrudgingly got up and moved on from the past nights happenings.

but through all the pain and suffering,

its better.

.tomorrow is all we have.

-Lnk-

Saturday, December 22, 2007

rug

the rug has been pulled out from under me

.thats it.

its all i can do to hold it together and keep busy

i know You are there, just once again hold me

and let me feel Your love

.cause i need it or i will fall to pieces.

.cause i'm falling now.

here's to life, loss of love, finding of TRUE love, forgiving, forgetting,

crying and loving past circumstances.

.let go.

-Lnk-

didn't realize

"you don't know what you got till you let it go."

i didn't realize what i had till she came back.

we went shopping, (which was a fiasco)

consumed some sushi

and watched "A Christmas Story"

it was a great night.

i forgot how much she meant to me.

i forgot how her hands felt against my face,

how her eyes looked in the moonlight,

how she just lit up a room.

i'm glad she's here even if its or awhile.

i can't wait to give her what i got her for Christmas,

i know she's going to love it.

well its way too late so i'm going to call it a night.

.love you babe.

-Lnk-

Friday, December 21, 2007

the practice of the presence of God

excerpt from aforementioned book by Brother Lawrence:

That he (Brother Lawrence) had been long troubled in mind from a certain belief that he should be damned; that all men in the world could not have persuaded him to the contrary; but that he had thus reasoned with himself about it: I engaged in a religious life only for the love of God, and I have endeavored to act only for Him; whatever becomes of me, whether I be lost or saved, I will always continue to act purely for the love of God. I shall have this good at least, that till death I shall have done all that is in me to love Him. That this trouble of mind had lasted four years; during which time he had suffered much. But that at last he had seen that this trouble arose from want of faith; and that since then he had passed his life in perfect liberty and continual joy. That he had placed his sins betwixt him and God, as it were, to tell Him that he did not deserve His favors, but that God still continued to bestow then in abundance.

That we ought to make a great difference between the acts of the understanding and those of the will: that the first were comparatively of little value, and the others, all. That our only business was to love ad delight ourselves in God.

That all possible kinds of mortification, if they were void of the love of God, could not efface a single sin. That we ought, without anxiety, to expect the pardon of our sins from the Blood of Jesus Christ, only endeavoring to love Him with all our hearts. That God seemed to have granted the greatest favors to the greatest sinners, as more signal monuments of His mercy.

this book is made up of several conversations between M. Beaufort, Grand Vicar and Brother Lawrence.

Brother Lawrence came to Christ at age 18 while seeing a tree stripped of its leaves.

he considered that within a little time the leaves would be renewed and after that the flowers and fruit would appear.

in nature he saw God.

this all took place back around 1666.

my dad gave me this book.

it's purty good so far.

if you want to borrow it after I'm done, let me know.

today i have the house and my tears to myself.

i've been on the verge of crying for the past 2 weeks.

sentimental tears.

tears from the realization that i'm so broken and powerless.

last night was hard for me

but i slept it off and now, today

this house is all my own.

i recently listened to Rob Bell's podcast on joy.

excellent stuff

his Mars Hill podcasts can be found here

http://www.marshill.org/teaching/index.php

it goes back about 12 weeks.

i almost cried listening to it while running

i'm in shambles

shambles, thats a cool word.

been listening to a lot of jazz lately.

not any certain specific type,

but "A Chick From Corea" by Victor Wooten and Steve Bailey

will blow your skull to pieces

so beautiful

still listening to "Maiden Voyage" by Herbie Hancock and Chick Corea

got a nice night planned for my lady

who arrived last night via airplane.

hopefully all goes well and we can enjoi each others company

................

-Lnk-

Sunday, December 16, 2007

my luck

had a great idea to go bike riding in this nice, unique weather we were experiencing,

so i got on my bike, put on a sweater, plugged my ipod in and took off.

had my keys with me to get back into the house.

i made my way to my compadres house and everything was going fine.

i started up an overpass and ate it.

fell all over the asphalt and just laughed.

no one saw me but i know it was funny.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

thank God for my sweater, if i hadn't had that on, my elbow would look bad.

and i'm missing a patch of hair on my right leg.

hahahahaha

i made it to the aforementioned friends house and played some GH3

also watched the end to Lord of the Rings, forgot how good it was

on the ride back i realized i didn't have my keys.

i rode back and there they were, laying on the ground

where i had previously wiped out

once again i laughed out loud, alone

and it felt so good.

its cold outside and i can't be sad

i can only be happy that i have a bloodied thumb and good friends to laugh with

to know that God was laughing right there with me

cause i wiped out good.

oh and the soundtrack for tonight Jars of Clay/The Killers

they compliment each other very nicely

.you wouldn't think so.

-Lnk-

western wear

if we are okay in the western world, then the rest of the world is fine.

we are quick to sign checks to charities but how quick are we to give our time?

we spend 18 billion dollars on makeup in a year

we spend 15 billion on perfume, cologne, etc. in a year

it would take 10 billion dollars to solve the worldwide water crisis

it would take 19 billion to eliminate hunger for every man, woman and child in the world.

we can we do?

-Lnk-

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Vengeance

"When I bring vengeance, they'll realize that I am God." Ezekiel 25:17

read this tonight and was entirely comforted.

this verse is referring to God punishing the Philistines for attempting to destroy His people.

God loves with a jealous, powerful love.

all of chapter 25 is God declaring judgment on nations that had wished His beloved harm.

strong stuff.

it is just amazing to me that the God of the night sky, of everything that i see,

is on my side.

He isn't pointing fingers and calling out my past sins against me,

He is loving and just, delivering perfect judgment when He sees fit.

and i love that this isn't blind faith.

the Bible is full of people questioning God.

they question Him honestly and earnestly.

not out of rebellion but out of true doubt.

God does not want us to blindly follow Him around,

doing what we are told just 'cause we are told to do it.

He wants a relationship with us and relationships take communication,

take question and answer,

take patience and trust,

love and loyalty,

openness and honesty.

and this is what i've learned in the past 2 weeks.

God wants us to talk to Him, even if it is to say that we don't feel Him.

God honors faithfulness and that has been the motto for the past 3 years of my life.

God honors faithfulness but some people take advantage of it.

but i know that in the end God's will is perfect,

and even though things might not work out the way i want them to,

God is in control.

it is hard to give up the thought that i could possibly change something,

that i could have an effect on anything,

that i am possible of accomplishing a feat of any size.

i cannot control more than my hands and thoughts,

and even there i struggle.

so who am i to hold certain things from the one who controls the world?

if it sounds cliche, its because it is.

but it is true.

.to be a light in the darkness.

-Lnk-

Monday, December 10, 2007

___________

tonight i have no one save You,

i've trusted you more lately than i have ever before.

trust that Your will is perfect

and that in Your time, You will reveal Yourself,

if we are seeking.

i am in pain, so deeply and sorrowfully

this is fasting,

but for weeks on end.

i know that there is something going on behind the scenes

and i will not understand tomorrow today.

thank You for Your peace and mercy.

bestow it upon me and the ones i love.

mend my broken heart and let all see You are King.

God, i just need you now more than yesterday.

so much, so much

thank You for pain and the change it brings.

He Giveth More

by Annie Johnson Flint


He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater,

He sendeth more strength when the labors increase;

To added affliction he addeth his mercy,

To multiplied trials, his multiplied peace.


When we have exhausted our store of endurance,

When our strength his failed ere the day is half done,

When we reach the end of our hoarded resources,

Our Father's full giving is only begun.


His love has no limit, his grace has no measure,

His power no boundary known unto men;

For out of his infinite riches in Jesus

He giveth and giveth and giveth again.


.hurts but its true.

-Lnk-

Sunday, December 9, 2007

found

found a community in which, truly, no question is dumb

no inquiry is looked down upon.

i have found that i spend a lot of time running through the forums,

reading the hearts, tears, troubles and triumphs

of many who share my same burdens.

it's comforting to know that it is possible to overcome.

truly overcome.

hung out with my sis a considerable amount this weekend.

good times, good times.

laughed tonight, good hearty laughter.

Mitch Hedberg is funny.

danced in Cold Stone, shot coke cans in a virtual world,

questioned why i long for intimacy yet hug shadowed corners so tightly.

read that God is returning to bring us to Him,

giving us opportunity over opportunity to love Him.

He is ever gracious.

it is these moments which i must remember and cherish.

when life gets tumultuous, i so easily forget these times

these days when i know whats happening.

these moments when friendships are as important as food.

speaking of food,

fasting is hard.

beat this body into submission.

listening to Herbie Hancock and Chick Corea "Maiden Voyage"

RIDONKULOUS!!

recommended by a man who enlightens me with musical knowledge that i can only dream of one day having

i know you'd like this babe.

i know you'd like a quiet evening,

just one night.

come back and i'll silence the world.

i'll mute the noise and we can be,

not do anything but sit, and be.

be safe.

stay warm.

i love you so entirely and fully.

Isaiah 40:28-31:

"Don't you know? Haven't you heard? The LORD is the everlasting God; He created the world. He never grows tired or weary. No one understands his thoughts . He strengthens those who are weak and tired. Even those who are young grow weak; young men can fall exhausted. But those who trust in the LORD for help will find their strength renewed. They will rise on wings like eagles; they will run and not get weary; they will walk and not grow weak."

keep us safe and warm in Your arms Lord.

as these days come and go and our distance only seems to grow,

pierce our hearts.

show us Your love in the everyday.

make our hearts and bodies crave You.

need You, seek You out.

thank You for redemption, for love

for relationships.

let us not forget You, in our days of doing.

let us just BE with You.

being in Your presence and under Your wings.

.wings, so friggin' cool.

-Lnk-

being and doing

"Life is not about doing, but about being. About being who God intended you to be"

i get so caught up in the doing this doing that routine,

that i forget to take time to be.

just be loved, just be talked to, just sit and be listening.

just be held, just be crying, just being alone, just being together.

so much that i miss out on life cause i'm busy doing.

that's what we've made life.

we do everything in hopes of one day not having to do anything.

working for the weekend, working for retirement.

we miss out on the miracles in daily life, miss out on the glimpses of heaven.

it is good to have your eyes on the goal,

but keeping your eyes on the world around you is just as awarding as crossing the finish line.

tonight i'll be underneath stars but probably won't look up.

it's great (sarcastic)

just get up and do and forget everyone around me,

the less i interact with them the more i can get done.

just out of my way.

i love people, and i love being with others.

tomorrow i'll focus on that.

at work, just being with my co-workers.

and in every and anyway possible

letting them know they are loved by me

and by God.

not in that order.

here goes tonight

-Lnk-

Saturday, December 8, 2007

brother/sister hood

It is not good for you to be alone. No one will see victory in the days to come if he/she stands alone. you will need true brother/sister hood, stated the Counselor as He brought one of the shining warriors over to me. It was right for you to confess and repent to God when you were convicted of sin, but you must also learn to confess your sin to your brother/sister. You must learn to pray for one another so that you may be fully healed, because your brother/sister is part of you, and you a part of him. If you are honest and real, you will sharpen one another and you will have fellowship. This is part of what it means to walk in the light.

I felt strong hands placed on my shoulders. The noble warrior, my brother, now standing next to me, was praying for me. It was humbling at first, but as I began to confess my sins to him, we were surrounded with an ever-increasing glorious light. The light became so bright that I could hardly see. Much to my astonishment, he totally identified with me and understood my struggles-and even the sin which wars against my soul. For he had some of the very same struggles as I.

We began to openly share our hearts with each other. I felt safe and understood. Then I prayer for him as he had for me-for his weaknesses to be perfected by the Father's power. We were refreshed, renewed and invigorated. We laughed together for some time.......We challenged each other, spurred each other on, and sharpened one another....I realized for the first time just how badly I needed brotherhood. To be alone in this war would be crazy. We needed each other.

We then committed to love and serve our great God and King, and to love and serve each other. We were comrades. We were in this thing together-through thick and thin we would defend one another. I was starting to understood my puspose and my mission-our mission.


Excerpt from "Snakes in the Lobby" by Scott Macleod


Good book.


Good weekend


-Lnk-

Friday, December 7, 2007

heart

everyone that i have let in has hurt me in some way

i've learned from my past but pain is pain.

the first time was worse than the second time cause i now know where my love stands,

you can crush my heart but i'd still give you my hand.

there is blood on the sidewalks and on the streets,

it used to be robbers who mugged pedestrians

but know its gangs of priests.

we'd slit our own throats if we could sell our blood,

what's the deal, what have we become.

-Lnk-

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

tomorrow

we need to cherish tonight,

enjoy this moon and stars cause tomorrow we die.

i've seen it a thousand times before,

lovers so entwined not realizing they are dying.

after tonight i will disappear.

i'm sorry but i have no choice.

i will take my songs and my music and fly,

i can't wait to see the world from up high,

staring through the clouds to see land go for miles.

it still doesn't change the fact that we will fall.


-this absolutely means nothing. i'm up to late waiting for a game to download. i'm tired-

-Lnk-

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

loner

i chase sin.

i run after it cause it is now.

i am at times, severely alone.

i play music cause it fills an empty room,

i listen to sports talk radio, not because i like sports, but because it fills an empty car.

i hate being alone and love it at the same time.

no one can question me if they don't know me.

they can't keep me accountable.

that's why i'm so jealous of what i have.

my games, my music, my girlfriend.

i hoard it so i don't have to be alone.

i chase sin to temporarily fill a void.

You don't speak to me cause i no longer listen.

i'm horrible, i'm a hypocrite

and now i'm asked to lead.

how can i sing if i can barely live?

i need peace that passes any understanding.

i need joy, not happiness.

joy is lasting and strong.

i need Your arms around me tight while I sleep and cry.

i need to feel Your love.

i've read about it for so long and I've felt it once or twice.

but i need to have it poured on me.

just dripping off my fingers and onto my feet.

i need You Lord.

more than i need anything else.

-Lnk-

Saturday, December 1, 2007

warm

i just want tonight with myself.

and that's the way i had it

but i want it with you,

and that's the way i can't have it.

-Lnk-

Friday, November 30, 2007

night or you can call it, immaculate

went to my first killer show in awhile.

August Burns Red and Between the Buried and Me.

August Burns Red destroyed the joint. love them and they only continue to get better and better.

Between the Buried and Me were sick also. they are exactly like the cd. spot on.

it was fun. reminded me of old times. miss them.

i lied tonight though. i'm not alright

i've gotten madder, quicker than before.

got a meeting in the morning so i'm calling it a night early.

love you honey, and wish you were here.

that's my lie.

i'm my lie.

-Lnk-

Sunday, November 25, 2007

this weekend

i once again saw friends come through in the clutch,

i've seen faith in action and hearts slowly shift.

i was blunt and said what needed to be said,

it was for the best.

she was here and it was the greatest Thanksgiving weekend.

we ate at her rents house then she came down to my Grandpa's house.

shared a part of my life that i had never given anyone.

we saw an innocent life breathe and move and laugh.

she was perfect and together we fell in love.

no words for that night, it was just right.

great weekend.

she is gone but she is trying.

i stayed and so am i.

she'll be back in 3 weeks, but thats to long.

love you honey, be safe

-Lnk-

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

hahaha and blahblahblah

so you'd think it all make sense, when the winsome returns

but all i see is what i can't be, and it burns so much it hurts.

i'm cold and want to be held, so i put on nostalgia

i want and grab at broken cisterns, but i'm never satisfied.

ruin my day with wasted pixels, hoping to see eyes

now they are here but all i can see are the tears that i have caused.

even if i haven't yet i will and i know that it will hurt

brush it off, but i can't

i'll pick at this scab till it turns red

and the blood slowly drips to the floor.

the wound will open and then i can pick out the part that kills.

hopefully tomorrow won't suck on my occasion,

i need to practice what i preach.

-Lnk-

Sunday, November 18, 2007

house of sand

we are building this house of sand

slowing adding brick by brick

and with our tears we are hardening the floors

and setting in very very quick.

if we don't move to the ocean soon

this house will be the death of us,

the less we talk about it

the more it will consume us.

i'm sorry i checked up on you

and because of that, i made a new room

but you have to understand how hard this is

for me not to have you.

you called last night and it was short,

your voice was still beautiful as ever;

but your sentences were sharp and quick

and cut right to my heart.

i can't sleep in and i can't bring myself to eat

this house has infested my lungs,

we need to wreck it down

and start over as soon as its done.

these past two days have been hell

and i'm pretty sure they sucked for you too,

but they can't define the rest of our lives

cause we are better than 48 hours.

come back and rest in my arms

and then all will be well,

read this and take comfort in knowing

that i am yours through heaven and hell.

that is if you still want me,

if you still want this worrying heart;

i'd understand if you declined and moved on

but i want a real house, not one of sand, where we can make history together.

if we lie down together, we are sure to keep warm;

you better wrap yourself in blankets dear if you plan on sleeping alone.

-Lnk-

Saturday, November 17, 2007

when everthing falls

when everything falls, i can't help but think it's sort of my fault.

like my sins have gone past effecting me and now influence those i love.

we all makes mistakes.

we all do things, that in the act itself, we know it is wrong.

but we do it anyway.

i am weak.

we all are weak and that is why we fall.

cause we think we can hold it together ourselves.

i think i can control my eyes, by myself.

and i can't.

and i never will be able to.

when everything falls, nothing feels worse.

waiting for a call that never comes.

worrying but feeling bad for doing so,

because by the sheer fact of worrying, implies that i'm not trusting.

what is there to do.

in this moment i need people.

i'm alone in a house, and alone in spirit.

i need tonight.

i need music and my friends.

i need tuesday, to see the one i love and hug her.

and forgive her and hope she forgives me.

forgives me for not being there.

for not encouraging her when she needs it.

for not being what she needs cause i do not know what i am.

i'm beyond looking.

i'm beyond writing blogs and not doing anything about this.

if i were my words, i'd be much better off.

but i am simply a heart that hurts and a brain that thinks to much.

i am simply a man.

-Lnk-

Saturday, November 10, 2007

still does

God still works in mysterious ways and tonight is a perfect example.

i just wish sometimes He'd be a little more forthcoming.

i'm starting to hurt again and it's controlling my day.

it starts small and slowly grows with each phone call, thought, word

it builds and builds upon itself until my chest feels psychically weighed down.

i have to make a conscious effort to breathe.

i feel like i'm drowning as this pain fills my lungs.

i've been going to bed a lot earlier than usual and have a hard time getting out of bed.

i'm so poopy.

.poopy.

-Lnk-

Sunday, November 4, 2007

used to be/weekend

i used to be a man.

i cried, complained, argued, loved, hated like a man

but i breathed differently.

i observed differently, i'm slower now.

i take my time. i'm passionate about my time

and about who i spend it with.

i used to be so anxious, now i'm a little more patient.

i like silence tonight.

it keeps me warm and cosy.

i'm not angry or happy

i just am tonight

i'm warm and alone and tonight it works.

orange peach mango juice has never tasted so good.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i enjoyed this weekend where i got to Disney.

i love Disney and no matter what mood i'm in it's always great

my sis and i just roamed around and had as much fun as 2 could.

good stuff, had fun just sitting in a bus watching the world fly by

that's how i feel exactly to a T.

it was great and i can't wait to go back.

good times.

that's all.

g'night

-Lnk_

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

maybe i did

maybe i came back a different person.

but i doubt it.

the wind felt great and the words made sense,

but i'm still the same as when i left.

sometimes i feel that you need to let me go,

find someone suited to court you.

cause i'm lousy and emotional,

and unstable.

and just so much more.

your beauty is so much brighter,

you are just fantastic and i'm ___________

yuck, that's how i feel.

-Lnk-

cheer up, k?

i want to but i'm tired. i slept the afternoon away and woke up in the dark.

today has been boring and i feel the same.

maybe if i just go back to sleep i'll wake up as someone else.

-Lnk-

Sunday, October 28, 2007

love sick lover

you've broke My heart, but I still love

you've made Me cry, but I still want you

I want you to be with me, to be apart of Me

be apart of My life.

I have and will continue to love you,

even when you drive the nails deeper,

even when, to you, I cannot exist;

I do, and I am right here waiting for you.

you are my bride and I the ever loving groom.

I have painted you endless skies and breath-taking oceans

deep blues and passionate reds.

the birds cry out My name,

and i do to, once in awhile.

when its convenient for me.

when He suits me,

if i make it to Heaven, i may be as bloody as hell

will You still take me?

cause i wouldn't, and i don't.

the truth being told i can't love my neighbor as myself,

cause then i'd hate them.

is this it?

God is this it?

this can't be all, there has to be more.

there has to be more than 24 hours and light and dark.

more than falling down and getting up,

more than heartache and love.

something has to exist in this house,

if i could tear through the air and see Your face.

rip through and see the other side

to know what i'm living for.

Could you be asleep,

could i sleep till this passes?

would you let me that pleasure?

i'm tired of breaking your heart and squeezing tears from Your eyes

i'm sorry, so terribly sorry and sorrowful.

i'm i'm i'm i'm

I had an angels smile,
hiding a vultures bite.
I had no use for your redeeming blood.

...this is me at my darkest....

-----------------------------------

as cities burn and my sorrow

-Lnk-

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

i wrote

i wrote you a song, but it didn't capture your eyes

i wrote you a song, but it didn't show your heart.

so i burned it and threw it away, threw it out

threw it out with my past.

threw it away with my mistakes, with your mistakes

i wrote you a poem but it didn't do you justice

i wrote you a poem but it didn't show your love

so i erased it with my tears.

i can't paint or draw

but i'll do my best to show you how much you mean to me.

i've used these words before,

i've used words: love, innocence, joy, pain...etc

i'm done using words, i want to hold you again

i want to hold you and kiss your hand.

i want to shelter you from the rain,

i want to meet your needs and be yours.

i'm just so ready to really live,

i'm done worrying about school desks and scores on test

about teachers approval and fall/spring terms.

i want to live buy your side, i want

i want..............

.i want and i wrote.

-Lnk-

turkey burger/apologize

two different subjects in one blog:

you asked for a turkey burger,

i thought thats all you wanted;

i forgot what you needed,

you needed someone to give you more than food,

you wanted someone to sit with you will you ate;

but its easier to buy you food and walk away,

i sure feel better without having to do anything.

you smelled awful and your head hug so low,

i wanted to tell you that you are loved,

but all i could do was stand aside;

your shoes were worn and your shirt was unreadable,

years of dirt and water had faded the once new logo to a black smudge,

you didn't need someone to step aside,

you needed someone to step in, and i moved out of your way.

you asked for a turkey burger and i gave you what you asked for,

but not what you needed.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

you don't have to apologize to me,

i just wish you were hungry for this,

i wish i was hungry for this.

i know if you make time for this....it would be for the best.

babe, i just want the best for you, always

i don't want to make you feel guilty, or wrong,

i just want you to have the best life possible.

now while i'm not psychically there, i still want to give you the best life

i love you honey, always will

from the first day we hung out in the parking lot for hours on end,

when we watched signs, sitting as far apart as any two could on my couch.

i'll always love you honey.

i just want the best for you.

-Lnk-

Sunday, October 21, 2007

this

this weekend made us stronger, together and apart

and i'm so glad we got to see each other, it really was for the best

we laughed, we frowned and tonight i'll cry

you aren't falling asleep on my arm and my heart is incomplete without you

we truly are better together, i like who i am around you

i can tolerate myself when you are here

i love you and you love me

you will soon be down here and i can take you out, and we can lay down and stare at the stars

who knows what next year will bring, but i know tonight i sleep alone

i sleep alone in anticipation of not sleeping alone for too much longer

when this time of papers and deadlines passes, we will be together, the good and the bad, the morning breath and the stubbed toes

all of it. i can't wait

and whats even better...

i know you can't either

love you sweet cheeks

you are beautiful, gorgeous, amazing inside and out.

i love you forever and always and i will forever be yours to have and to hold, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health.

“In my Father's house are many rooms;
if it were not so, I would have told you.
I am going there to prepare a place for you.
And if I go and prepare a place for you,
I will come back and take you to be with me
that you also may be where I am.”

John 14:2-3

-Lnk-

Saturday, October 20, 2007

tonight

took my love out to eat and it was wonderful. it was like the world was right and we were each others for a couple of hours.

it was cold and i liked it.

i don't like speaking of it in past tense cause i want it to still be here.

i want to be there in laguna grill talking about our love and the problems that it brings.

we had an actual conversation. not just "i miss you, i miss you also". real stuff. real love and real pain.

it felt so good and promising. when we make it through these years that's how it will be. real and good.

rolling over in bed and seeing her face. seeing the diamond shine in her eyes. seeing her get "fchlempt" when i get down on one knee.

cause i will, just for her. not for anyone else.

and i want to now, but that wouldn't be fair to either of us.

that's life.

boys don't cry.

but i do.

i do a lot.

guess Robert Smith is wrong, but i still like his music.

i'll let him be wrong once in awhile, he's allowed.

well going to watch transformers and pass into the last night.

g'night

-Lnk-

Friday, October 19, 2007

so how goes it?

well thanks for asking.

i'm currently in her dorm room with her sis. just watching goosebumps and playing guitar hero.

she is so beautiful. i forgot how much she meant, she is gorgeous and makes me so happy.

we were in the city today, actually got to go to the Metropolitan Art Museum. it was very pretty. cool sculptures and ancient art. i throughly enjoyed it.

i miss her so much. i'm with her and i miss her. it's so hard to see her life up here. its just weird and i don't know.

i'm just glad i got to come up here and see her.

been listening to my ipod a lot and new york city just seems to make sense while Between the Buried and Me orchestrates.

riding the subway with my ipod makes it so much cooler also. i love music.

the only time i feel alright is while listening to my ipod or while kissing my love.

i forgot how good kissing felt. man, and did i say she is gorgeous.

i'm just torn between being happy for her and being sad cause i'm not apart of this.

i feel out of place. i never had felt "welcomed" at any college. Liberty, FIU, FAU, CW Post, neither of them.

her and i have been going back and forth. me wanting her to come back down to South Florida and her wanting me to come up here.

i want nothing more than to be with her forever. i love her and she is my future wife and i her future husband.

i love you baby. i love you so much. be safe. and know that i love you more than anything.

miss you

-Lnk-

Thursday, October 18, 2007

so i'm off

i leave for new york in about 15 mintues.

i'm excited and scared at the same time.

can't wait to see her though.

i hope she still likes me.

wish me luck.

-Lnk-

Sunday, October 14, 2007

questions for no one

ever had your heart jump in throat?

your pulse is tangible in your neck.

your stomach twists and creates a pretzel.

when the day is fine, one thing can ruin it.

one thing at night.

innocent and not with the intention to hurt, but it does.

like a brick wall slamming on your intestines.

no not a brick wall, a knife in your gut.

no one pulls it out but instead twist it.

all the time they are innocent.

they have no idea what they are doing and i can't tell them.

i love them to much to say this hurts.

ever had everyone tell you one thing when you know its the exact opposite?

every realize you are a walking oximoron?

ever want to punch yourself in the face for being you?

complementing someone never hurt so much. saying goodbye never felt so good and freeing. tears for fears never made this much sense to me.

when single words bring so much emotion, what can you do? i can't hide from words cause i speak them. songs suck ever more. especially Hey there Delilah. worst song ever. hate it cause it makes too much friggin sense. ughhhhhhhh hate that song.

but one word, kiss. seeing others put that word into action kills. they kiss their loved ones and i can't.

even watching Blades of Glory. when Katie (Jenna Fisher) and Jimmy MacElroy ( Jon Heder) kissed, i almost puked. like seriously sick to my stomach.

i don't know what to do with this problem.

stars, sun, moon, kiss, hug, cry, pictures, flower, etc....

these words and more. i am starting to despise.

hmm......

if in silence i could say words. if with actions i could tell you how i felt.

but you can't see me.

you can if our wires are crossed right.

but i'd rather not go there.

i'd rather you be here.

i'd rather us be anywhere but where we sit now.

i just told you....

without you, i'm a mess of emotions and lack of knowledge in expressing them.......

and i am, right now.

and i am.

and i am, alone.

............................<------but i gots my dots.

-Lnk-

Thursday, October 11, 2007

and when came then

i had fun today. hung out with an old friend. bought 2 shirts. hung out with my sister. opened God's word with my brothers. watched the office.

purty good.

7 days till i go to new york and i'm nothing but scared.

i know we both have changed a little since we last saw each other. she will look good no matter what. i'm just afraid of what she'll think of me. i'm scared.

i voiced this to her a couple of nights ago on the phone, and she said she will always love me. but i can't help still being scared.

i'm so nervous and i know it'll get worse as the day gets closer.

i called my college to make an advising appointment for spring 2008 semester. i gave the secretary my name and info and she was like, "Josh Link, hmmm that name sounds familiar. You wouldn't happen to be the kid who went on tour this summer?"

out of 32,000 students, she knew me. haha

so her and i talked about the summer tour and i actually, for the first time ever at this dreadful university, felt that someone cared about me. that i was important. that i mattered. that secretary did a great job. she made me smile.

so i'm going to go to bed a little earlier than usual. halo looks so tempting now but i must exhibit self-discipline.

to sleep i go.

-Lnk-

Sunday, October 7, 2007

between here and then

well i've played a lot of halo 3 this past weekend. i knew this time would eventually come when all i saw around me would be halo 3. and i openly embrace it.

well my dad left on a mission trip to haiti but not before he fractured my sisters pinky finger. there was 10 dollars on the floor. my sis went to pick it up and my dad went to step on it so it wouldn't fly away. he wrecked her finger.

had some good talks with a new friend. not really a new friend. i've known her for awhile but recently we have had good talks and it has really been nice to have someone who understands a lot of what i'm going through.

also got to hang out with my red headed pal this weekend. he is very wise and completely random. at times he is hilarious in his own awkward way, but he is also very wise. he knows what to say and just when to say it.

i thought about the situation i'm in in my life. those who are around me i look up to. like my band mates, and the majority of my friends. i've never really had friends my age. they are usually younger or older than me. but i really look up to my older friends. they are all smart and just seem to have it together. i know they aren't perfect and have their own issues, but they aren't fake. not plastic. they are real, involved, loving people. but i've been realizing that they respect me and what i have to say. that really makes me smile. cause i ain't nothing special. i'm emotionally unstable and have so many faults and shortcomings. the guys in my band, they listen to my advice about what we might do in a certain measure of a song. the guys i lead worship with listen to my advice on a vocal harmony. the friends i talk to listen to what i have to say intently.

its great. like i stated before, i'm not super cool. i've always struggled with low self-esteem and i don''t entirely like the way i look. i like my hands and feet (but if you stare at them too long, they just look weird), but besides that, i'm not to keen on the rest of me. and to have these people listen to me and respect me, really shows me love. its a good feeling to know that those around you are your real friends.

i've never had so many people i can call friends. i had a group of compadres i used to run with awhile back. but these by my side now are the ones who have helped me through hell and back.

people can be great. and people can be awful.

love the oximoron.

also, one of our guitarists dad leads our band in a bible study almost every sunday. he is so dang wise man. this guy lives the word, he is the bible with skin. he has written books on how the constellations tell the story of The Christ, he is editing like an all encompassing encyclopedia for college students to combat the whacked theologies and ideas they might hear from students and/or teachers. he is on point. and even he asked me what i thought about something he wrote.

i don't know what i'm trying to say. all i know is that when those around you love you and accept you for who you are, there is no better feeling. when you meet up with a bunch of friends and play halo 3 for 4 1/2 hours, there is no better feeling. when you call up a friend who is crying and talk to them for hours, there is no better feeling. community is a necessity. there are no lone rangers. everyone needs a tonto.
in my case, i've got a lot of them.

Christ preached community, and i've been blessed to be a part of one.

also sitting in church this morning and realized it is much easier to see the bigger picture. at least for me it was. for some reason i understood what the pastor was saying but immediately i got a bird's eye view of the church and then of weston and then of davie and then of florida and then the world. it was weird. like in my mind's eye i saw it. and it made sense.

i'm incredibly small and what i do on my own has little to no impact on anything. i've been living on my own power this week and have crashed and burned too many times. this life isn't about me.

it's about us, serving our Lord. bringing His name glory. he's the One who has taken our sins, our addictions, our hatred, and placed it upon Himself. He died and paid for our human condition. He conquered sin and will return to smash satan's head with his heel.

talking to my guitarists dad about Revelations is so adrenaline infusing. man it is so ridiculous talking about how Christ returns. He will return and reclaim His throne as The King of the Jews and reign forever. He is going to friggin' destroy satan and we will have a front row seat.

man that is going to be the coolest thing ever. hands down.

*whew*- i start thinking about it and i get like mad excited like i could go lift my truck. but that ain't happening.

well it seems like i apparently had quite a few things on my mind tonight. purty long.

well..... i'm done.

-Lnk-

Thursday, October 4, 2007

let the dead bury their own

"But Jesus told him, "Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead." Matthew 8:22

i've been thinking about that for awhile. Jesus said that because he knew the heart of the disciple who wanted to follow Him. he was holding back from giving everything to Jesus and it seems to me like a reasonable reason. but Jesus knew his heart. i don't want to hold anything back, even things that seem reasonable.

so hardcore "Let the dead bury their own dead."

craziness

went to the bible study with my weston peeps. went well and we all watched the office together. season 4 is so good.

love that show.

"Let the dead bury their own dead."

wow.

so convicting it hurts.

-Lnk-

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

implode/explode

you ever felt like you were falling apart?
like psychically losing your limbs?

yea thats me now

i'm going to go run

its 12:10 am

-Lnk-

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

boo to bad music

bad music sucks
it really does
go home bad music
no one wants you

shallow music deserves to be drowned in deep water

you are music for noise sake
and that is good for nothing

all i have to say
"boo to bad music"

-Lnk-

and i thought it would just stop

and after the rain came the lightning
and after the lightning came the hail
and after the hail came the devil
and after.............
and after ........
and after.....

and after i thought i had it done
and after i knew which way was up and that which was not down
and after...

and after i stopped crying
and after i wiped the blood from my face
and after i betrayed with a kiss
and after.....
and after.........

and after i hung myself in the field
and after i dropped and my insides fell out
and after the field became desolate
and now they call it Aceldama
and after...

i purchased this land with silver
i sold the only thing i loved
this is my field of blood
and after.....

this is all that i have sacrificed to please myself
forgetting the reason that i have a choice

how quickly i forget my love, my heart
when what i see is what i want
there is nothing in between me and everything

that therein lies the problem
i lie "therein"

i am the problem, this flesh, this human condition
to quote my new favorite movie "i calls it the black snake moan"

i want to horde all i have for my future
for our future
i see, and want, and lust after
and get exactly what it promises

which is nothing

now i wait, patient as this rowdy heart can be
waiting for the future to be now
cause its so much easier when she's around
it makes more sense

thanks for the patience Lord
thank you for Your Love
thank you for Your Never Ending Mercy

thank you listening to this poor, poor boy
i am your son and i have sinned
and i have made you cry
i have broke Your heart
and for that i am truly sorry

let me rest in Your arms
and there i will seek refuge
from this storm that won't leave
from this storm that rains hell
that brings with it pain and dis-trust

i sleep in Your arms tonight
and soon in hers

thank you for love
thank you for her
thank you for them
thank you for love

-Lnk-

Saturday, September 29, 2007

the council of brethren

had a show last night and it was the first she wasn't at. besides that fact, it went well. had a lot of people that had never heard of us before there and saw some of my friends of whom i hadn't seen in a while.

actually saw one of my high school buddies there. that was cool. got to talk to him and just catch up on things. and on that same note, saw another one of my high school friends. they came into work and he didn't even recognize me. it was cool though. we talked about music and working and all that college kid stuff.

after the show we went to Denny's and just had a blasty blast. hadn't gone out to eat with the crew in a long time. we brought a card board cut out of rocky balboa with us. he wasn't too loud but he didn't finish any of his food. so wasteful.

We have the right - to live in peace
and you must fight - for what you keep
If what you keep - holds truth inside
Stand up, defend or lay down and die

good lyrics from an tried and true band

well got to get back to mowing my lawn......then HALO 3......yea

-Lnk-

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

interestingly enough

it has been brought to my attention that people actually do read this thing and for that i am truly grateful. but moving on

i just ate some quesh (pronounced kee-shh) and it was good. i'm not too big of a fan of quesh but it was free and i was hungry.

today was good. work was fun and i laughed more than i ever have before. we (myself and my fellow employees) were in rare form. everything was a joke and it was just a lot of fun. i'm very blessed to have a job that doesn't suck.

i'm still sick though. we had band practice tonight and i didn't sound too good singing. we have a show friday so hopefully i'll be better by then. i'm excited for this show. we are playing up at a college where some of my friends attend. i haven't seen said friends in a long time, so it'll be fun seeing them and playing for them. but this will be the first show my love won't be at. thats crappy. like totally crappy. i can remember the first show she came to. i invited her and was so ecstatic when she said she'd come. she drove down with my rents and sis and i was so incredibly happy. we were playing at a church event and for some reason they had neon paint, so i proceeded to dip my hands in it just cause i like paint. wasn't thinking too much cause the paint came off and got on my keys but it sure looked friggin' cool. now that i think about it, neon paint is so cool. what the heck, i love it. the more i think about it the more i like it.

neon paint= good times

so.......oh yeah. someone stoled my dot thing. by dot thing i mean this......placing dots at the end of a sentence so it not so much ends, just the thought trails off......see.........it works right? this person, who will remain nameless, said she really enjoys ending her sentences with dots, like she was the first person to think of that.......seriously......you weren't.......i was. haha, i probably wasn't not the first person to do that, but i'm somewhere in the top 5.

oh i forgot to finish my story.....

so she came with my parents and the show went well. that is to say it was crazy. the kids were insane man. will stand out as one the best shows i've ever had the privilege to play. so after, i drove back with my rents my sis and her. i sat next to her in the back seat, but my sis was next to me. but it was still sweet. first time we ever sat that close. we texted all the way back home. (by the way texted is not a word, it doesn't sound right, but it is the past tense of text....at least i think it is) that night was awesome. she looked so beautiful. heck, she has always been gorgeous. i tell her this all the time, she is beautiful 24/7. but she doesn't listen.

dang this blog is dripping with ooie-gooie love stuff. sorry. but i do love her, more than anything. and that is saying a lot cause i love food.

well i have no work tomorrow so that means i'm sleeping in. actually think i'm going to go hit up the gym. she got me into working out. God i love her.

-Lnk-

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

so, again...

well i just got back from playing drums at FBCW and it was quite fun. i am currently jamming to some Stevie Ray Vaughan. very soothing, helps put everything in perspective.

honestly, i have been getting quite mad at the one i love. this distance is killer. it blows everything out of proportion and doesn't help anything. seriously, this is the worst pain i have yet to experience as a human. deep hurt. like in my skin, muscle everything. it permeates all that i am. now between the buried and me is in my ears. crazy people music, think that why it suites me so well. i could jam to this all day. i wish, i wish.

have been having long conversations on the phone with people i usually don't. it is a welcomed change. it crazy to see where i've come from last to this year. my friends, my relationships, my talents, just my life in general. a lot has changed and mostly for the good. yea, now that i think about it, all for good. i'm happy that i have good friends that care about me. its comforting to know.

well me thinks thats all i've got in my mind.

-Lnk-

Sunday, September 23, 2007

We will not die.

so i am more mad than i can let anyone know. what i feared worse has come to pass and i knew it would. sometimes i think i'm too jealous for my own good. jealous of my time, my friends, my girl, my family. and i'm so afraid and my fear appeared.

i trust you just not the people around you. like my rents would say, "We trust you driving, just not the other people on the road." that's what i mean. i don't care who it is, i will wreck them. i have this fire in my bones. like God protecting His children, i will protect all that i love. i will destroy the nations who wander looking for something they can have. there is nothing here, walk on, before you get stomped on.

sorry, had to vent. whoooo. breathe in, breathe out. k, a little better. it has been raining nonstop and i have come down with a cold. at least i think its a cold. i get light headed, woozy, i'm tired, just drained i guess is the best way to put it. but in the mess of the beginnings of this week, God is good. school has been dealing its usual trash and anything to piss me off. if college were a person, i'd play basketball against him and give him a good elbow to the face. man, i do not like it all. but still God provided. In His mysterious ways, He did and in the grand scheme of things, college is berry small.

also, we are watching my aunt's dog for a year. she moved to europe with her husband and the dog needs a passport(???) yea that is just a little weird. what threat does this little teacup yorkie pose. it is a boy named Bailey and our dog is a girl named Nala. Bailey has been finding every possible way to get his "groove" on and Nala ain't letting anything go down. it is quite funny. he is ever persistent.

well i'm going to relax and try to get over this sickness.

-Lnk-

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

need to feel words

so much has gone on and i'm just pooped

so i'll recap the last 2 days, saw Black Snake Moan
besides all the nudity, it's really good, like good good
one person has restored my hope that all people aren't awful
he doesn't know who he is and most likely will never but, yea he is cool

been talking to my girl a lot and we have both done our share of crying,
actually we vid chat and its weird.....like awkward
but yea it definitely ain't getting easier, not in the least
but i'm tired and hating all the work that responsibility brings
trying to tell the one you love that it's okay that they are away
i don't like it in the least

playing with the FBCW band on tuesday nights and its fun
played drums tonight and i guess it went well
my back is sore

played my piano in the dark tonight to see i could play if i was blind
i guess i could've closed my eyes but that'd be too easy
but it sounded pretty, the dark made me sound better

got my guitar amp back from a friend who had it for 2 years
felt good to finally have my strat sounding the way it should
she sounds magnificent and i did come up with quite a weird song
something to the effect of Fall of Troy mixed with blues
i like it

new between the buried and me cd is totally awesome
they went above and beyond Alaska and are just good

well i'm heading to bed to sleep, go figure

-Lnk-

Sunday, September 16, 2007

my problem with me

i lust over little
i lust over much
better on some days
on others just not

i want what i see
and i feel it will make me complete
when i fact i need nothing
more over what i can't see

i speak of love
to share and to have
when in reality i'm the worst
and rarely ever give

i'm so needy and tired
full of sin and rust
the wind blows the wrong way
and at the seams i bust

i fall back on myself
but my strength is so weak
i never pray on my knees
and Your wisdom i hardly seek

you brought along a love
so beautiful, so true
the very thought of her in my mind
leads me right back to You

you sent Your son to die
and you sent this angel to show me love
You forever live through me
until we are together above

her words like silk
soothe my hardened heart
i knew she was my future
from the very start

i can hold her so tight, till darkness fades
and tell her the depths of my mind
i trust with my life and fears
and she is the truest love the world could ever find

so thank you Father for creating that girl
who is know the most gorgeous woman that exists
I love her with all my heart
and i hope she knows she is dearly missed

this is dang long, purty long for even me
so sorry for taking your time
i love you baby and i can rest knowing this
i am yours and you are mine.

love you SNK from your JCL

sidenote: this is what you get when you get to running and you think of how everything reminds you of your love

-Lnk-

do you love me still

you can give me a dollar, you can spare me some change
or you can lock your doors and look the other way;
you can leave me under skies so blue
but all i want is you

in the quiet underneath the bridge
we can talk about memories and how life has been;
but under this concrete so dark and grey
i just want to know does anyone still love me anyway

i'll push two carts both at once
one for my baby and the food she needs;
please don't look at us in disgust
i get that enough from her father who beats me
just lift up my sleeves and you'll see

but i just want to know if love is still alive
and if it is could you share some with me;
please sir or mam don't pass me by
cause we are not to different you and me

i wouldn't mind if you turned around
just gave me a passing glance;
see i sit behind you in the 4th row
and i'd really like a friend

you think i could come over (if its okay with you)
and see how a family works so fine;
you see my parents passed awhile ago
and i don't have one to call mine
i live in a house with more kids than flies

but i just want to know if love is still alive
and if it is could you share some with me;
please sir or mam don't pass me by
cause we are not to different you and me, we just want to be

and you wear that Jesus fish on your car, didn't your God
love the down and out and abused
where is that love He showed
do you have any inside of you.

.....this song is for me as much as it is for anyone else.....

-Lnk-

Saturday, September 15, 2007

the day

busch gardens went well. we rode the coasters and just had a great time.

after we got back, we took a nap then went to eat. we walked down to The Pier and ate a sweet restaurant. very fancy. its called The Columbian and had some of the best food that i've had in awhile. the restaurant was on the 4th floor of the pier and we sat next to a window overlooking the bay. as we ate, the sun went down and the ocean turned dark. berry purty.

we walked downstairs and did some wine tasting. good stuff. everyone here is just nice. there are a lot of kids running around. not like baby kids, but teenagers. if i had my guitar i could camp out here for months. just playing at the park, on the pier. the enviroment here just fosters that kind of lifestyle and you can tell just by the residents here. when we were going to busch gardens we had to cross a long bridge to get to the mainland. st petersburg is actually an island. so the drive to tampa was breath taking. the ocean was just a mirror of the sun. it was still and one boat was tearing through the ocean, disturbing the natural peace. but sure was pretty. wish she was here with me. she would be thinking of all the different angles she could take to get the best picture.

just got off the phone with her. man she sounds gorgegous over the phone. her voice is so sweet and soft. it warms my heart and i just want to hug her forever. i can't get over her and i never want to. she is my love, my baby, my future. i can't wait till this season of our lives has passed and we can spend our nights and mornings together. we have so much to look forward to. she is everything that i've ever wanted.

i'd really like to hang out here for awhile and just talk to the homeless people and the kids strung out in the park. i'd love to play my guitar and just chill with them. i'd like to hear their story and just talk and spend time with them.

well my sis is kicking me off her laptop. i'm dun

-Lnk-

Friday, September 14, 2007

tampa bay and jazz

my familia has traveled to tampa bay for the weekend. we are going to busch gardens tomorrow and going to tear up some roller coasters.

we ate at a nice deli and the server was very talkative. he spoke a lot and just seemed lonley. he was cool and had a sweet looking necklace on. i had a nice corned beef sandwich with swiss cheese on it. berry good.

we walked around downtown afterwards and found our way to a cool wine tasting place that had a jazz band setting up. my dad and i found a seat while my sis and mom scored some starbucks. the band was sick. the drummer was old, like white hair and beard. he was ridiculous. really good. the guitarist was groovy looking, and had a smooth ibanez semi hollow. it sounded so good. the bassist was plucking away at a stand up and they just sounded really good together.

got my rents watching The Office now. my sis and i are avid fans of the show so we've been talking about it a bit and now my rents are interested in it. it is such a good show. i've had favorite shows before but i can say that i am totally obsessed with it. i've watched all 3 seasons at least 3 times already. so dang funny.

my dad set us up in a sweet suite at a hampton inn on the bay. he set up the room with flowers for my mom and candy for my sis and i. it was cool to see my dad thinking of my mom like that. made me smile. but the room has a nice balcony that overlooks the bay and it is just very nice.

my girlfriends mom called me today. she just called to check up on me and see how i was doing. so nice. she is sweet. her and i spoke for awhile and it felt like i was talking to one of my friends. that phone call made me smile. i liked that.

i just put on my dads glasses and they don't really seem to have any prescription. i've always wanted to have to wear glasses. i just like 'em.

well think i'm going to go get some sleep for manana.

-Lnk-

Thursday, September 13, 2007

it still oozes

yea my finger, is still bleeding. maybe if i stopped slamming it into things. maybe.

watched one of my best friends play some amazing softball only to lose the game. he made an amazing diving catch, but they still lost. whatever, just a game.

my class got canceled. after sitting in class for 30 minutes, we were told that class was canceled. i was so excited. some people around me were peeved, seeing as they drove 45 minutes to get to the class, but i got to go home and chill.

going to the beach tomorrow with my sis and my "diving for softball's" friend. should be nice. haven't been to the beach in awhile. the best times were when my girlfriend and i went. i remember the first time we went, some of her friends came along. we weren't really "official" yet, but it was still sweet. she found a spot by the inlet where the ocean smacks into the rocks. it is absolutely breathtaking. especially when the water is black as night and seems ever so ominous colliding over the rocks. its as if it were reaching out to drag you into its dark depths.

~creepy~

after the beach. my family is taking a trip to Busch Gardens. it will be fun getting away for a short time. its just what i need right now. and roller coasters only serve to make life more enjoyable.

talked to my girl alot today and i miss her more than ever. she is everything to me and i can't wait to see her. be up there in a month baby.

that's all i gots.

-Lnk-

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

i got no time

sliced my right middle finger purty bad. it looks rad, but it hurts. i hit it on a door handle.

well just got off the phone with my lady and it was a good conversation. she is so beautiful. even on the phone her beauty shines. she is amazing.

hung out with two of my long lost friends tonight. we visited the new Steak and Shake. the service was a lot better than most S&S's. <-----thats three S's <-----thats two

met up with my band fellas and had some good time just talking about life. its good catching up and opening up my life to people who care.

life is looking good from here. besides my finger being mutilated, i have no work tomorrow, just school. so i can crank the jams and dance with my dog. it should be interesting. listening to Pharoahe Monch. he's good. wish i could rap, but people would make fun of me cause i don't look like the rapping type.

tried to rap awhile back and it was funny. i laughed at myself. God has blessed me so much, His love for messed up ole me. beyond comprehension. well, i'm tired. going to sleep in my berry cold sheets. yes, SLEEP!!

-Lnk-

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

phone

ok, my cell phone is literally hanging on by a wire.

i just got off work and the days possibilities seem endless. got a text from someone today and responded back to them, and so on and so forth and it just really pissed me off. some people just twist words or all together just don't listen. whatever, let it flow with the wind.

i'm playing bass tonight at FBCW. i'm excited, i haven't played for a youth group in awhile. and i'll be playing with all new people so it should be exciting.

work was fun today. i had to open so that meant that i had to wake up @ 5:00 am. but i got out at 1. my AGM and i pumped house music all day. it made time zoom by and i actually liked it alot more than i thought i would.

i noticed that i'm very music prejudice. i'm very particular about what i listen to. don't get me wrong, i love all types of music, but i'm specific about the message it sends. i can respect someone who is saying something with their music. i dislike bands who just play to play. you have been given a stage and a mic, do something other than doing nothing. i have been perusing the rap section lately. i like rap artists who say something other than, Party this! drink that! that serves no purpose other than to further enforce the stereotype rap has. friggin' love rap artists who have something to say. Mos Def, Pharoahe Monch, Beastie Boys, Talib Kweli just to name a few. really respect that.

also Francis Chan has been popping up around me lately. 2 of my good friends watch his video cast and they mentioned it to me @ 2 different occasions. he's good. touches on alot of subjects most pastors wouldn't. also on the list things i appreciate: pastors who preach from the Word. they take a scripture and teach, rather than taking a theme and finding verses to back it up. that is not seen anywhere in the Bible. just straight teaching of the Word. not necessarily saying thats wrong, just that i don't like it.

well going to go find something to chow down on.

-Lnk-

Sunday, September 9, 2007

kickin' it old school

well hung out with an old friend. we tried to surprise one of our friends who was at work. but we failed to find his place of business. so we just hung out and conversed. good to catch up and talk about what we've been going through. good stuff.

woke up this morning and went to FBCW and it was a really good service. heard some stuff that hit home and explained how i needed to respond to my situation. took my sis with me and it was cool. then my jewish boi came over and we watched the Dolphins try to play football. promise for the rest of the season, but the game wasn't too good. whatever, football.

actually felt like i was with her tonight. on my way home, i felt as if i could feel her in my truck. it was peaceful, not eerie as it sounds. this friggin keyboard is screwing up. it is pissing me off.......GRRRRRR........

got George Orwell's 1984 on audiobook on my ipod and it's purty cool. think i just found a new vice. audiobooks on my ipod......friggin cool.

well think i'm going to go fix myself a PB&CC sandwich (peanut butter and chocolate chip). it's actully quite awesome. try it sometime.

-lnk-

Saturday, September 8, 2007

¡me no like!

hate:
1. To feel hostility or animosity toward.
2. To detest.
yep, now i hate this. i hate this distance, i hate this situation and everything i'm doing is merely distracting me from the fact that the love of my life is not anywhere near.

i can download all the music, play Rainbow Six: Las Vegas for hours on LIVE, i can play the guitar till my tears soak my strings, but i'm totally consumed with the thought of you being away.

paint you a picture: this is how i feel, my feet are cemented into the ground. i can't walk, i can't function or properly communicate. i hear you moving and making things happen. you will change and i will arrive the same, simple boy.

i don't know. i'm just pissed and just feeling so many other emotions. think i'm mad to just help me cope with my loss.

and this whole sha-bang brings to mind my utter detest for how society has made our lives to be. we are expected to go through school, graduate, go to college, get a part time job, graduate college and get married and get a job. where did this unspoken rule come into play. pushing us into this expected mold, what if i don't fit? what if i am not? where do i belong......i'm trudging through college, like slopping through a swamp. its almost painful. i don't feel i belong and i detest that this is the CORRECT way. i know I'M made for more, WE are made for more!

yea, i could go on that tangent forever. but i eventually need to sleep.

here's to a goodnight's rest

-link-

Friday, September 7, 2007

video and battery

got my ipod battery in today. that made me smile.
just got back from filming a movie with my boi's and my sis.
should be really funny. i'm extremely tired and will no doubt pass out right when my head its my pillow.
my aunt invited my sis and i to go out on her wave runner. i'm really excited as i have not done too much of anything lately. i have mostly just been on the computer, on my 360 or reading. actually today i went swimming so i did kind of have fun.
its getting easier talking to her on the phone. it still burns. right in the middle of my stomach. i could point to it but that would do you no good. you know where it is. it's that sick to your stomach feeling, when your not sick. its not being able to be there for the one you love. i miss her, i miss her a whole lot.
this morning, my sis and i had to take our trucks to get fixed. woke up at 7 am which is purty early for me. but i took her out to breakfast and we had a good time. i'm getting to spend more time with her now. its cool, she'll be the only sister i have. she's cool. we will be cool older brother and sister. it will be fun.
well this train is pulling in for the station. i'm going to close my eyes and drift softly into sleep.
g'night
-link-

Thursday, September 6, 2007

useless-too tired

well i officially feel useless and good for not much. i want to walk you to class, i want to help you study. i want to be there for you, and i'm here. i'm here listening to kayne and wishing we could've shared the lost night together. i will forever be yours but i don't like this.

the only time i come crying and seeking
is when i'm already on my face
when it's good and i'm proud
i don't need you and never see Your face in my crowd
i'm dirty, i'm a sinner full of me
they say "that's the way it should be."
i'm lost......the cell is weak
and so is my heart

thats all for tonight
-link-

roses

well missed my first night.....
so my idea as posted on the last blog.
i saw a guy selling roses on the street and thought it'd be cooler to just give them away. i picked up a dozen from the local fresh market and handed them out to 12 of my neighbor's. i attached a little wrote which read:

hand out a rose,
hand out a smile;
tell someone they are loved,
cause they are worth your while.

i plan on doing this once a week until my entire neighborhood has gotten one. don't know why i'm doing this other then i'm tired of doing things to get something back, i just want to do something for nothing. so i left the roses on their doorstep. lets just see what happens. lets see how far a little kindness goes.

last night had some friends over and watched the movie fracture with Ryan Gosling and Anthony Hopkins. really good and intriguing. before the film started i went to a bible study held by my guitarist's dad. good stuff man, we jumped into Psalm 119. it was exactly what we needed. david, the author of Psalm 119, wrote about how the word of God is what he lives on. he lived on the word so much that he HATED the false way, he HATED sin. now as much as i try, my flesh is strong and convincing. but David HATED, thats such a strong word. i want to HATE sin, want to avoid it and live in presence of God everyday. i want His word to be sweet as honey to my lips. David had his shortcomings, he had his slip-ups, but still God called him a man after His own heart.

well i gots to go mow my lawn and do some house chores. goodness, goodness goodness

-link-

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

thelonious and i

thelonious monk: insane jazz pianist
got one of his cd's. very purty stuff. very out of the box. awkward chord structures.
so driving down the road, and sipping my starbux and jamming to mewithoutYou. saw a guy selling some flowers on the corner and got a crazy idea. more on that tomorrow. hung out with my boi's tonight and that was exactly what i needed. today was the worst day so far. i miss her and everything i saw reminded me of her. it really stunk. like alot. i never realized how big a part of my life she is. when she is gone, a part of me does not exist. worked this morning and it wasn't too bad. have to go back in 6 1/2 hours. jamba opens at 6, so i gots to be there @ 5:30. not too bad if you like getting out of work at 1. i feel real guilty. when she called me today it pained me to even pick up the phone. it pains me to hear her voice cause i get so sad in realizing she is gone. i'm jealous of her movement while i'm down here standing still. she is progressive and i'm stagnant, at least thats how it feels. tomorrow night should prove to be fruitful. hanging out with my drummer and guitarist and i'm looking forward to cracking open La Biblia. and now work thursday or friday. yea yea yea yea....listening to Monk's Mood, piano saxophone duet: monk and coltrane. ever so smooth.......

how can i be
when we can't be together
i'm not too terribly interesting
i'm not getting on a bus to go anywhere
if this distance has taught me anything
its that i'm not too interesting
your days seep out color and life
mine are just containers of time


hand out a flower
hand out a smile
tell someone they are loved
tell them cause they are worth your while

well i think that's all i gots. hahaha -i'm so lame-

Monday, September 3, 2007

2nd day

starting with number 2.
i miss her more than i thought i would.
i knew it would be hard, but this is terribly difficult.
i have more time for friends, which is good, and got to visit a friend that has recently returned home from surgery. he is doing well but still finds small tasks to be quite difficult. the office still makes me laugh and will always. no matter what mood i am in, the office cheers me up. i have watched all 3 seasons more than twice and plan to watch them more. it is very awkward, this distance thing. i guess the thing i'm struggling with the most is jealousy. i'm jealous i'm not there with her. i want to be there for her whenever she cries, whenever she needs a hand to hold. but i'm down here. i'm jealous of the rocks, trees, birds, sidewalks, buildings, everything and anything that sees her more than i do. that just sounds so ridiculous. but i just have this jealous love. i don't want to be the over bearing, jerk boyfriend who monopolizes her time. on a totally un-related side note:( i am making banana nut, chocolate muffins for my breakfast tomorrow. got to make breakfast for myself the night before cause i have to be up at the butt crack of dawn. not even, i'm up before the sun exists.) i love her mucho. i am pursuing a new cell phone purchase on e bay. my current phone is so out of whack. i wish you could see it. please don't think of me as needing the newest thing, i am quite content with my life. but this phone is beyond dead. i hate how society has made cell phones a nescessity. they are cool and nifty, but they place such a leesh on me. i'm a slave to it. weird. but i can use it to text her and call her so i like it for that reason.
i lost my love to the city,
i lost my love to distance and the sea;
i lost my love to a city,
when will my love come back to me.
had a good talk with a boi of mine about religious rituals. interesting stuff. i like to find out about what the background of those rituals are. i'm a very curious person and i like it like that. love my baby and love me some banana nut, chocolate chip muffins.

-link_j-