you find what you are looking for

this is as graphic, as blunt and as honest as i've ever been on here
here goes the shit:

i've trained myself to search out for things that stimulate me,
make me happy, at least for the moment.
these "things", whether on computer screens in the form of pornography
or material objects that give me more to call mine,
stand out to me.
i've trained my eyes to find things that appease me.
they are highlighted, bold, in italics, underlined.

i don't even have to think now.
it just happens.
i have an urge and i appease it.

i can blame this on having my best friend and girlfriend away.
but i know its my problem.
i need to let go
of thinking i can control myself,
that i can just look at this site,
or buy this thing and thats it.

i need to talk to God as much as i say i do.
need to read.
i can feel Him chasing me,
feel it in my chest.

last night He was so close i could've touched Him.
reached out in the midst of the singing and touched His hand.
this morning it was a new day.
and i made it all mine for the taking.

i've wasted too many days,
too many.

i'm a walking contradiction,
full of holes and afflictions.
wanting to love on everyone but myself.

.gearup.

-Lnk-